Friday 25 October 2013
the gift of love (2/4)
Karuna’s Home
Even before the Car had parked, Karuna’s 5 year old daughter, Anu came rushing outside the house and tottered all the way across the lawns, yelling with delight, ‘Mami…Mami…’
Bani gave a brilliant smile at the angelic girl and swooped her lovingly into her arms, smothering her with innumerous kisses all over her chubby face.
‘How is my sweetie cutie? Aww…you look so nice in this pinafore dress, Anu…who got it for you? Mummy or Daddy?’
Anu’s eyes twinkled in delight at the compliment and she said in her sing-song voice, ‘Mamu gave it…’
Bani smiled and asked, ‘Which Mamu?’
Anu kept a rounded finger on her cheeks in a great show of thought and said, ‘Your Mamu…’ referring to Jai.
Bani laughed in response and carried her inside, to be met with an ecstatic Karuna, who hugged her Bhabhi and then immediately launched a complaint over how she and Jai Bhaiyya never visited her more often.
Seating Bani in her room, Karuna ordered some tea and snacks for her, while chatting up and catching with news.
Bani smiled as she noticed that even though Karuna was talking to Bani, her whole attention was focused on little Anu and making her eat a mashed banana which she refused to even smell.
‘So Bhabhi, how was your holiday in Sydney…Anu…don’t do that…you will ruin your dress..’
Bani grinned and said, ‘We went to Cote d Azur in the South of France…not Sydney.’
Karuna did a ‘Ooooh’ and said, ‘Wow…that must have been beautiful, Bhabhi…ANU…eat this fruit right now, else you won’t get any of the chocolate that your Mami just gave you…’
Anu made a protesting noise and said, ‘Its yucky…’
In-between trying to force-feed her, Karuna went on conversationally, ‘You are so lucky Bhabhi…who could have imagined Jai Bhaiyya to be romantic enough to go to such a place…’
Both the women began laughing on this and Bani’s attention was once again taken by Anu, who was trying ever tactic in the book to avoid eating the gooey Banana and get her hands on the wafer chocolates that Bani had brought for her.
‘You know…Tarun and I had planned a holiday to New Zealand when Anu was 2…but we had to cancel at the nth hour, because she came up with Measles…and can you believe, we haven’t been on a proper vacation since then?’
Bani gave a faint smile realizing that even though Karuna was complaining, her voice held a strange sort of pride…the pride that a Mother has for her responsibility and duty towards her child, for which any sacrifice is no sacrifice at all.
Karuna who was holding Anu in her lap and trying to pour the mashed fruit into her mouth, messing her own clothes in the process, getting her hair pulled by Anu and soiling the bed sheet simultaneously went on, ‘Its really tough to plan a holiday with a child…now we only go to nearby places which are really child friendly…Tarun wanted to go to Aspen this summer for skiing…men are so unpractical, isn’t it Bhabhi. Skiing indeed…with a child of 5!’ She laughed on her own words and finally gave up on Anu, excusing herself from the room, to get some other fruit for her daughter to eat.
As soon as Karuna had gone out of the room, Anu came rushing to Bani and sitting on her lap, fingered her jewelry, playing as usual with her black-beaded Mangalsutra, which for some reason fascinated Anu. Bani smoothed the curly hair which made ringlets around the child’s rounded cheeks and wiped her mouth for traces of the rejected mashed banana food and suddenly found her eyes to be full of tears.
Just holding her in her lap and touching the soft baby skin, looking at the innocent eyes and trying to give answers to her unanswerable questions, Bani felt such a terrible pang in her heart, that she felt completely overwhelmed by the sensation.
By the time, Karuna came back, holding a bowl of stewed apple, which seemed to agree with little Anu’s taste-buds, she noticed the look of thoughtfulness on Bani’s face and asked softly, ‘What happened Bhabhi? You look so lost...is everything okay?’
Bani kept quiet for some time, taking the bowl of apple from Karuna and feeding Anu herself and asked frankly, ‘Do you like being a Mother?’
Karuna stared at Bani for some time in bewilderment at the question and a warm smile covered her face. Giving a look at Anu, she said with a deep conviction ringing in her voice, ‘More than anything else in the world.’
Bani smiled at the answer and asked again, ‘And Tarunji?’
Karuna laughed at this and wiping Anu’s face, thankful that she had eaten the last morsel of the stewed apple, said, ‘His day starts with Anu jumping up and down on his chest and his day ends when he recites her a bedtimes story before putting her to sleep…even if he can barely open his eyes.’
Bani kept quiet, lost in her thoughts, letting Anu play once again with her jewelry and then Karuna who had been staring at Bani in a curious manner, let out a knowing smile and said, ‘Please tell me that you are making me a Bua very soon!’
Bani blushed, suddenly awoken from her thoughts and Anu catching up immediately, looked at her Mother and then at Bani and said, ‘How will Mami make you a Bua, Mom?’
Bani went pink all over her face, bending it to hide her embarrassment and Karuna kept giggling in response.
After shoving off Anu with great difficulty out of the room with the maid, Karuna spoke with confidentiality, ‘Bhabhi…are you and Bhaiyya planning a family?’
Bani lowered her head, feeling her cheeks inflame and just nodded her head in muted response, indicating nothing.
Holding her arm, Karuna said, ‘Oh come on Bhabhi…you are too shy! What is there to be so embarrassed about it? We are both married…we both know how babies are made…come on now, be frank with me!’
Bani regretted entering the conversation and tried to find a way out, but to no avail.
Reluctantly she said in a low voice, ‘We haven’t discussed it at all…’
Karuna tossed her head and said, ‘What is there to discuss? It’s just a matter of a couple of nights without protection and wham…there you have a pregnancy…and 9 months later, there you have a baby! Simple.’ Karuna made it sound just about as simple as buying some vegetables from the grocer.
If what Bani felt till now was just awkwardness, now it turned to full blown mortification, further fuelled by Karuna’s incessant teasing.
Flustering, Bani tried to get up and said, ‘I should be getting home now…your Bhaiyya will be back and he gets really upsets if I am not around…’
Forcing Bani to sit down again, she waved her hand and said, ‘Oh come on…you told me on arrival that Bhaiyya will be coming back home late tonight…now tell me about this whole, “We haven’t yet discussed it” scenario?’
Giving up trying to dodge Karuna’s questioning, Bani complied and spoke with shy frankness, ‘I don’t know what you Bhaiyya thinks on this…he has never brought up this topic…’
‘You always place his opinion, his view, his judgment in the forefront…What about you? After all you are the one who will be carrying the child for nine months and screaming your guts out when you go into labor! And please don’t even get me started on the never-ending feeds, waking up at 3 in the morning and changing the diaper…teething…colic…’
Bani did not look petrified with all that she had heard, in stead she smiled and said, ‘But still, what you get in the end more than makes it up, isn’t it?’
Karuna gave a warm smile and agreed, ‘Oh yes, it does…the feeling that a woman has, when her child is handed over in her arms by the Doctor for the first time is something so magical, so divine, that one has to experience it….to really know it.’
Bani looked lost in deep thought, till Karuna interrupted gently and said, ‘If Bhaiyya hasn’t brought it up, then you speak to him…Bhabhi, take my words…you are just born to be a Mother…just look at the way you fuss around your husband…and I can imagine the love and care you will invest in your child…’
And then added teasingly, ‘And just think, once you have this baby…you can actually get away with an excuse to go off to sleep early…’
Bani got up at once, trying to hide her grin and said, ‘I get the point…now I have to leave…Hari Singhji has been waiting for so long…he has to go and pick up your Bhaiyya also.’
Hugging Karuna with a goodbye and making several promises to a weepy-faced Anu that she will surely stay back one day and sleep in her room and tell her a hundred stories, Bani set out for home…with an idea that was fast becoming an obsession.
Walia Mansion (Aka...The Lion's Den
)
It was close to eleven at night when Jai finally came back home and unfortunately for Bani, in a thunderous mood, following a very heated argument with the client.
‘The bloody man…what does he think he is? Trying to act smart with me…he will know what he is up against…’ Muttering expletives under his breath, Jai all but tore the tie from his neck, till Bani came nervously near him and pulled it off.
He kept abusing the client and a host of other people, till Bani managed to calm him down a bit and offered some Nimbu Paani and very caringly got him out clothes to wear to the bed and made some soothing noises, agreeing to everything that Jai had just said.
By the time, Bani came back from the washroom after changing into what was her s**iest night clothes and sat next to him coyly, Jai had already taken out his laptop and was furiously jabbing some emails, not even aware of his wife right next to him on the Bed.
‘Ahem…’ she coughed, drawing herself closer to Jai, who was sitting in the upright position, wearing his specs and peering with great concentration and irritation writ on his face.
Not one to give up so easily, she edged even closer, till he gave a partly annoyed look at her and said, ‘Bani, don’t stick to me like this…I am not able to type.’
She kept still for sometime, wondering if she should just give up for tonight and go to sleep, bringing up the topic of a baby when he was in a better mood, or maybe bring the topic up and his black mood might just undergo a change.
She began bashfully, ‘I had gone to Karuna Didi’s place today…Anu was wearing the pinafore dress you brought for her from London.’
Without taking his eyes off the laptop, Jai gave an absent nod and said, ‘How is Karuna? I haven’t seen her for ages.’
‘She is fine…so busy with Anu…you should have seen her throwing a fuss eating her evening snack…’ Bani said with apparent affection, hoping that brining up his darling niece’s name will evoke some kind of a buried paternal emotion in Jai.
Unexpectedly, Jai snapped, ‘That kid is turning out to be a brat! Tarun and Karuna have no idea how to bring up a child with discipline…they spoil her rotten.’
Taken aback at the statement, Bani was silenced and then she ventured supportably of Anu, ‘She is just a baby…and so cute…our house comes alive whenever she visits us!’
Jai grimaced at some email he had read and punching his sliver Macintosh with more ferocity, barked back, ‘Please remember, next time Anu comes over, my laptop is nowhere in her sight…the last time, she jumped over it and there was a crack on the cover…I will make Tarun pay up if his daughter breaks anymore of my things.’
Though obviously Jai spoke without any malice and Bani knew how much he adored Anu, she got the idea that he was in too bad a mood to discuss anything apart from his work, least of all children.
Bani looked so disappointed with the turn of conversation, that she said a very half-hearted goodnight to Jai and tried to sleep, putting off the table lamp on her side of the bed.
She felt his strong forearm wrap around her waist after some 2 hours or so, but she was too groggy to be awake, Jai lurched forward and planted a very quick and light kiss on her cheeks and pulled the duvet to cover Bani properly and then switched off his side of the Table lamp and went to sleep.
So much for conceiving a baby!
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The next day, Bani called her school to state that she was coming in late and decide that morning was always a good time to speak reasonably to her husband.
Bringing him his coffee, she sat near the side of the bed and very lovingly patted his hair, which she noticed with concern, was graying on the ends. Though it admittedly made him look even more handsome than he already was, it indicated to Bani, that though she might still be very young, her husband’s biological clock was fast ticking away.
With that thought, she kept nudging Jai till he looked up bleary eyed and extremely sleepy from the pillow where he had his face buried and said, ‘Wazzz…’ and once again went back to sleep.
Not finding much response this way, she leaned forward to plant a long, soft kiss on his ears, hoping that the lingering fragrance from her freshly washed hair will do its magic, the way it normally did.
Jai pushed back the wet hair from the side of his face, muttering something in irritation and said, ‘Lemme sleep…’
Ignoring his protests, she kept nudging and tickling him, till Jai turned on his back and looking at Bani with half-closed eyes said, ‘What is it Bani? Why are you pestering me like this?’
Annoyed, she replied, ‘I never say anything when I want to sleep and you won’t let me…’
‘So is this the revenge for that? Not now, sweetheart…I slept at 2 at night…I have a meeting at 10 followed by a killing day…please switch off the lights and go to the kitchen or something.’
Saying that, he covered his head with the duvet again, now really upsetting Bani, who pulled it back from his head and said, ‘No, I won’t go to the kitchen…get something to eat on your own from the Office.’ Saying that she sat in a huff, hoping that Jai would get angry at this outburst and at least get up and listen to her. But to no avail, all Jai gave her was a sleepy smile and said, ‘Okay…No problem! Just wake me up before you leave for school.’
Not getting her way, Bani stamped her feet in frustration and said desperately, ‘I want something from you.’
With his head buried inside the duvet, his voice came out muffled and disinterested, ‘Sure, buy anything you want. Take the American Express Black Card from my wallet, just in case.’
Infuriated beyond control, Bani had tears springing up in the corners of her eyes and she said in a choked voice, ‘Your American Express Black Card cannot buy everything, you know.’
‘It can…or that is what my Relationship Banker told me. Now leave, Bani…Please!’ he yelled back.
Pinching his bare back, Bani went out sulking and when Jai finally came downstairs for Breakfast, frowned some more, marring her beautiful face.
‘Did I marry you so that you can look like Cruella De Ville? And what was the big rush about in the morning?’
Keeping the Mug of Coffee with a loud clank on the table, Bani made a face and refused to comply, hoping that he would come running and try to cheer her up, when she can put in the pitch for a Junior Jai or Junior Bani.
Ignoring her very obvious annoyance or something, Jai picked up his Financial Times, handed over to him by Bhavesh and started checking the share prices of some of his investments.
Irritated at being ignored by him, she pulled the paper out of his hand and said, ‘You can read this when you are driving down to Office…I wanted to speak with you in the morning but you were too busy sleeping.’
‘Oh, Bani…stop nagging me all the time…you are turning out to be just like your Mother…’
‘Don’t you start on my family now…’ Bani stared at him with her wide eyes and sat huffily on a chair besides him, while Jai started laughing.
‘So princess consort, why these temper tantrums in the morning?’
‘I had been wanting to say something to you since yesterday night, but you seem to have time for everything, except me.’
Jai picked up the newspaper again from her hand and said in a good-humored but absent manner, ‘Speak then!’
Bani hesitated for a while but knowing that any subtlety would be lost upon her husband, she said directly, ‘I want a baby.’
Jai wrinkled his brow as he checked the latest price of a share he had brought last week and frowned in disapproval, replying absently, ‘Who’s baby?’
Frustrated, Bani took a deep breath and said, ‘obviously our baby! Why would I ask for someone else’s child?’
This time, Jai did look up and with raised eyebrows, eyes sparkling with amusement and he said slowly, ‘Okaayyyyy…sounds reasonable enough.’
Bani flushed at the look he gave her and quickly lowered her head, pretending to pour some more Coffee for him, clanking the crockery to hide her nervousness. Jai laughed shortly looking at her fumble in front of him, and keeping a warm hand on her shaking one, made her look up and said, ‘I will do anything to keep you happy Bani…if you want to make a cricket team…I am all game for it!’ (Actually with JW, nothing is impossible...)
She flushed some more and they both broke down laughing, Bani kept her head on his knees and rubbing her soft hair with his fingers, he said seriously, ‘But where did you get this sudden inspiration to become a Mother from?’
She looked up and said, ‘I work with children…I have lived in a family with two younger siblings and hordes and hordes of little cousins…and now I see Anu almost every week…it was always in the back of my mind.’
Checking his watch, he got up saying that he was getting late and she went inside to prepare breakfast for him.
Going up to lay out his clothes, Bani smiled shyly at Jai, when he came out of the bathroom, water dripping from his hair as usual. She took the towel and dried it for him, till Jai held her tightly from her waist and quipped, ‘When do you think we should embark on this venture…you know future Walia’s?’
Bani giggled and said mischievously, ‘As soon as possible.’
Pulling her in a sudden jolt and pushing her down on the bed, he said, ‘I have exactly 20 minutes to spare now…and as your mother always said, “Shubh kaam mein deri kaisi…”
In between uncontrollable laughter and giggles, Bani tried to shout and wriggle her way out of Jai’s arms, but he had his way as usual and later got some extremely baleful glances from his board of directors when he arrived 40 minutes late to the Office.
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Bani was so excited with the thought of becoming a Mother, one evening she went to a famous bookshop and brought every possible book on Pregnancy, Childbirth, Conception and everything related to the Reproduction process.
Jai never had the end of teasing her when one night he saw her hiding, ‘Dr. Spock’s Pregnancy Handbook inside a Webster Dictionary and reading it in stealth.’
Bani who generally always complained of how exhausted Jai always made her feel, now looked all fresh and ready to go every time they made love. Which for some reason, Jai found extremely funny and amusing.
One evening, Jai came out very late and feeling quite worn out, and then noticed that Bani was dressed in her best lacy nightgown and had spread the best Egyptian cotton bedsheet on their bed and dimmed all the lights in the room, setting up an extremely romantic atmosphere.
Like a dutiful wife that she was, Bani quelled all thoughts of having s** (which according to her was only necessary to produce an off-spring, if she enjoyed being with Jai, she never ever admitted to it, not in front of him at least!) and very coyly set about giving him is night clothes and bringing his medicines and water before retiring to sleep.
Jai had to bite his lips to avoid laughing out loud, looking at Bani’s complete game-plan to have a baby and he said, ‘You know Bani…this is like my best fantasy come true…’
She was fluffing his pillow and looking up at him, said innocently, ‘What?’
Grinning wickedly at her, Jai said, ‘Coming back home to see that my pure and chaste innocent wife is setting the stage to molest me…’
Saying that he threw his head back and laughed uproariously, more because of the expression that Bani had and less because of his own joke, till she kept hitting him with the pillows, laughing alongside him.
He pushed her back on the bed, pinning her hands behind her head with his one arm and taking her chin in his fingers, drawing her close to his mouth and gave a long, hard, lingering kiss and ruthlessly tearing open the lacy straps of her gown.
‘Now if this doesn’t get you pregnant, god knows what will…’ :In Love:came his hoarse voice, before he jabbed the table lamp and the room dipped in darkness.
8 Months Later
Jai was at the breakfast table, his head buried in the Financial Times and getting pieces of fruits popped inside his mouth by Bani, who was constantly complaining about how much time he takes to eat and unless she made him eat forcibly, he would probably remain hungry throughout the day. Jai kept making agreeable sounds, as if he was listening to every word that she was saying, but his mind was completely occupied by the rising stocks of one of the Companies he had just taken over.
When Jai finished his breakfast, handing over his leather-case and a whole bunch of stuff to read during the journey from home to Office over to his driver, Hari Singh, he saw a look of acute tension and sadness on Bani’s face. In fact, he had been noticing for the past few days, how quiet she had become and many times, seemed lost and disoriented. He had been wanting to speak to her on this, assuming that she must be having some problem at her school, but for some reason or the other, it had kept slipping out of his mind.
As she helped him wear his blazer, he noticed how suddenly she had hushed up and was looking strangely pensive and preoccupied. Putting his palm on her cheeks, he lifted her face so that she could look in his eyes and said in a tender voice, ‘What’s wrong, Bani?’
Somehow the tenderness and deep concern in the simple sentence, broke down her defenses and her eyes welled up with tears, which she tried to wipe immediately, turning herself away from Jai.
Ignoring his buzzing blackberry, Jai held her by both her shoulders and turned her to face him, now with panic in his voice, ‘What happened sweetheart? Did someone say anything to you? At work? Or you feeling ill? Should we go to the Doctor? Bani…stop crying…please! You are really scaring me now.’
She kept weeping like a child and kept her head on his chest, he held her tightly in his arms and patted the back of her head lovingly, saying, ‘Then tell me, what’s wrong? Come on, if you don’t discuss with me, who else then?’
Stopping her tears with great difficulty, she looked up at him and said in a choked voice, ‘its more than 8 months now…I…I haven’t conceived yet.’
He kept staring at her for some time, relief seeping in through every pore of his body and picking up his blackberry again, he pulled her cheeks affectionately and said, ‘So that is why this Ganga Jamuna? God…and I had my BP falling down wondering what is wrong with you…’
Bani looked upset now and sniffing back, said, ‘Isn’t this something to worry about? 8 Months is a very long time.’
Rolling his eyes, Jai replied back, ‘Well, I am not a Doctor or Medical professional, but as far as my knowledge goes, conceiving can take up to 2 years also…and there is nothing seemingly wrong with both of us…so why is the need to take so much stress?’
Looking at her and realizing that his explanation had not eased her even one bit, he said in a placatory tone, ‘Fine…this Sunday…No…I think I have a Golf Session with one of my oldest clients…can’t cut that out…Okay, next Sunday…lets go to our Doc and get a check-up done…no harm in it…will that relieve you?’
She had stopped crying completely and looked a bit cheered up at the thought of getting a Medical opinion and said hesitantly, ‘Thanks…that would make me feel so much better…but can’t we do it earlier?’
Jai scratched his head, wondering how he could fit a fertility test in his chockablock schedule and then looking at his wife’s pathetic, sad face, his heart immediately melted some more and he said, ‘Okay fine…tomorrow! I will tell Gloria to fix an appointment with Dr. Mathur…she is the best we have in Mumbai. Now cheer up and when I come back home, tonight, I want you see you in that s**y red nighty you have…all lace and satin.’
Bani gave him an impetuous look and said, ‘You tore it…’
Jai said in an apparently bewildered voice, ‘Oh…then wear anything but that horrible yellow gown with strawberries printed all over…’ (Yes, I took inspiration from KS, where PD used to wear that awful looking gown right after marriage...no wonder, JW never gave her a second look!)
Bani said in a wounded voice, ‘I love that nighty…Ma gifted it to me.’
Jai popped a grape into Bani’s mouth and quipped wickedly, ‘You are always wearing that monstrosity…no wonder, I am not able to get you preggers…’
Bani squealed and laughed, hitting Jai on his chest, till he leaned forward and kissed her goodbye.
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Jai and Bani had a lengthy pre-check up talk with Dr. Simran Mathur, who was one of India’s leading Fertility specialist and then proceeded to take a couple of routine tests the coming weekend, during which, much to Jai’s disappointment and Bani’s amusement, they had to abstain from any physical contact.
At night, while retiring for sleep, Jai murmured in irritation, ‘This is so idiotic…5 whole days…are they planning an immaculate conception for you?’
Bani giggled in response and then snatching his laptop from him, stacked up a game of Rummy and proceeded to beat Jai 5 times in a row, till he flung all the cards on the carpet in frustration and if nothing else, got to kiss Bani furiously all over.
The few days following the fertility tests were very tough for Bani and she kept having a sixth intuition that something wrong will happen. Jai, even though extremely occupied by work, tried his best to keep her spirits up and was as loving and caring as ever.
Bani was lying on Jai’s chest, running her fingers in circles, obviously lost in thought, while Jai was jabbing some emails on his blackberry, holding Bani in one arm and the phone in another.
She spoke out of the blue, in a heavy voice, ‘What if something goes wrong? What if I am not able to have a baby?’
Jai answered in an absent manner, ‘I will immediately marry again and then my new wife and I will make you an unpaid slave and you will be cooking and cleaning for us the whole day long, while we have a great time.’
Bani lifted her head and looking at Jai, his expression dead-pan, as he kept sending and receiving emails. They both burst out laughing raucously, till tears were streaming down Bani’s cheeks.
Pushing her gently down on the bed, he lifted himself up to cover her side and said in a soft voice, ‘It won’t make any difference to me…not one bit…I consider myself the luckiest man in the world…to have got a wife like you…anything else is a bonus…but you are the capital and principal amount of my life.’
And then added with humor, ‘I spoke like a true Financial wizard!’
Bani felt so touched, that she cried some more and spoke in a heartfelt manner, ‘But everyone needs a child to bind them closer…’
He lifted a tendril off her cheeks and pushed hit back behind her ears, ‘A child in our life would be a blessing, no doubt about it…but it will be a result of our love, Bani…Not the reason of it.’
She lay gazing at him with profound love and devotion; he swept her up into his arms so that she lay captive against him, her ugly strawberry printed gown sweeping down from his embrace. The dim room lights lit his eyes and she could see the iron grip of control he still held on himself. She reached up with her arms; brought his lips to hers so that she could surrender, felt the crush of her soft B****s against his hard chest.
4 Weeks Later
Jai couldn’t even place the call, when his secretary Gloria interrupted him in the middle of a meeting he was having with his lawyer and said that, Dr. Mathur wanted to speak with him.
Jai had a hurried conversation on the phone with the Doctor and with great hesitation agreed to come down and meet her in the evening at her clinic. He assumed that the results must have come out and since she knew the Walia’s personally, she would have wanted to hand them over on her own. Jai had to review a couple of project reports the following evening and he hoped that his meeting with Dr. Mathur will be rushed and he would be able to come back to Office and complete his work.
Jai hardly noticed Dr. Mathur entering her room, where Jai was already waiting for her, sending emails in that little time he had to wait in the room. They both greeted each other warmly and casually checked on their common acquaintances.
Jai, who was obviously in a hurry to leave, looked up and said politely, ‘Um…I assume you have the reports on you…hope everything is in order.’
Dr. Mathur kept quiet and looked at him, while he continued unmindful, ‘My wife has been getting really worked up about this whole pregnancy thing…I wouldn’t have even thought about getting the tests done, but just wanted to put her at ease.’
Suddenly noticing how silent and grim the kind-faced Doctor looked, Jai spoke with a tremor in his voice, ‘Is everything fine, Dr. Mathur?’
She shrugged her head and said simply, ‘I am sorry Jai…Bani cannot become a Mother.’
Jai stared at her as if he hadn’t heard her clearly and ignoring his buzzing blackberry, he spoke finally, ‘Excuse me?’
Dr. Mathur spoke with professional detachment yet there was a softness in her voice, ‘Its an open and shut case…she has a serious hormonal problem…the medical term is Endometriosis…even if she undergoes the best available fertility treatments, which I know that you can very well afford…she will still have less than a 5% chance of conceiving.’
Jai sat still, too stunned to say anything or even offer a reaction.
Dr. Mathur continued, ‘I have examined all the possible options…and consulted some of my colleagues working in the US…everyone has more or less the same opinion…you can definitely opt for the various fertility treatments that are available…but in my opinion, it won’t lead to much...apart from bringing a lot of mental agony to both of you, especially Bani.’
Jai heaved a deep, long sigh and buried his face in the palm of his hands, shaking it in disbelief. This was the last thing he had expected….how was he ever going to tell this to Bani…the little idea that had gathered in her mind a few months ago, to become a Mother…had turned into an obsession for her now…and to go and tell her that her dream would never become a reality was akin to slaughtering her with his own hands.
‘She will never be able to take this…’ Jai murmured, not even aware that Dr. Mathur was in the room.
The doctor spoke compassionately, ‘Jai…you have to be brave and give courage to your wife too. This is not the end of the world…I understand that every married couple aspire to become parent’s…that a natural progression to their relationship…but if God wills something else, then its only right, that you accept it with grace.’
Jai forgot all about going back to Office and after sending Hari Singh home, drove aimlessly around Mumbai, Dr. Mathur’s words still ringing in his head.
Sure he was extremely disappointed and dejected at hearing that he wont’ be able to become a Father…but what caused the deep fear in his heart was Bani’s reaction to it. Life would go on for Jai, as long as Bani was there for him…the disappointment of not having someone to carry his name would always be there…but he knew that the love he shared with Bani could overcome everything…even the absence of a child.
But he could not say the same for Bani. She obviously loved him from the depths of her heart and had centered her life and happiness around him, yet he knew very well, how important a family was to her…a child especially…someone to call her a Mother…
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By the time, he reached home, his heart was heavy with the impending gloom that was going to spread out like a fog in Bani’s life and his steps faltered when he walked inside his home.
Bani who had been waiting for him eagerly, knowing that he had come straight from Dr. Mathur’s Office, handed over a glass of water and trying very badly to hide her eagerness, said, ‘So?’
He gave a faint smile at her and keeping the glass of water on the table said, ‘There’s bad news and good news. Which one do you want to hear first?’
The smile completely faded out of Bani’s eyes and she spoke in a small voice, ‘Bad news? Tell me both…’
Jai closed his eyes and prepared to tell the first lie of his life, ‘The good news is that, you can become a Mother…’
Bani kept staring at Jai, who for some reason, was not able to look back into her eyes and he said with in a strangled voice, ‘And the bad news is that, I can’t be the father of your child.’
They kept sitting in silence, till Bani got up quietly and said, ‘You have said this now…but don’t ever use such words again…If I can’t become the Mother of your child…then I don’t even want to think of becoming a Mother ever.’
Jai got up and hugged Bani, till she put her head on his chest and blinked her eyes rapidly to stop her tears from flowing.
It must have been around 1 at night, that Jai felt the soft sobs emanating from Bani, who was sleeping with her back turned to him. He waited for a moment and then placed his arms gently around her body and turned her to face him, even in the dark, he could see, how much she had been crying.
Assuming that she was heartbroken over the fact that he won’t be able to Father a child, Jai begin to apologize, till she closed her eyes in pain and opening them, looked into him and said, ‘You really think, you could get away with such a big lie?’
Jai kept staring at her, shell-shocked.
‘Even before you said a single word, I could read your eyes…you lied so that not to hurt me, isn’t it?’
Jai had gotten up and switched on the table lamp and begin to explain, ‘Bani…listen…’
She kept crying and said, ‘I know that the good news is you…and the bad news is me…’
For the first time in years, Jai felt his own eyes welling up and even though he wanted to hug his wife tight and hold her back from her every fear and grief, he was unable to do so.
All he could say in a defeated voice was, ‘I am sorry…’
She broke down crying in a heart-broken manner, till Jai couldn’t stand it anymore and pulling her roughly towards him, held her with all the ferocity and protectiveness he could garner.
‘I said this earlier…I am saying it again…it makes no difference to our marriage, Bani…I love you just as much…even more now.’
And then he took her tear-stained face in his hands, planted a light kiss on her cheeks, when she noticed with shock that his own eyes were a burning red and held her in his arms, till she felt into a deep, emotionally exhausted Sleep.
Even before the Car had parked, Karuna’s 5 year old daughter, Anu came rushing outside the house and tottered all the way across the lawns, yelling with delight, ‘Mami…Mami…’
Bani gave a brilliant smile at the angelic girl and swooped her lovingly into her arms, smothering her with innumerous kisses all over her chubby face.
‘How is my sweetie cutie? Aww…you look so nice in this pinafore dress, Anu…who got it for you? Mummy or Daddy?’
Anu’s eyes twinkled in delight at the compliment and she said in her sing-song voice, ‘Mamu gave it…’
Bani smiled and asked, ‘Which Mamu?’
Anu kept a rounded finger on her cheeks in a great show of thought and said, ‘Your Mamu…’ referring to Jai.
Bani laughed in response and carried her inside, to be met with an ecstatic Karuna, who hugged her Bhabhi and then immediately launched a complaint over how she and Jai Bhaiyya never visited her more often.
Seating Bani in her room, Karuna ordered some tea and snacks for her, while chatting up and catching with news.
Bani smiled as she noticed that even though Karuna was talking to Bani, her whole attention was focused on little Anu and making her eat a mashed banana which she refused to even smell.
‘So Bhabhi, how was your holiday in Sydney…Anu…don’t do that…you will ruin your dress..’
Bani grinned and said, ‘We went to Cote d Azur in the South of France…not Sydney.’
Karuna did a ‘Ooooh’ and said, ‘Wow…that must have been beautiful, Bhabhi…ANU…eat this fruit right now, else you won’t get any of the chocolate that your Mami just gave you…’
Anu made a protesting noise and said, ‘Its yucky…’
In-between trying to force-feed her, Karuna went on conversationally, ‘You are so lucky Bhabhi…who could have imagined Jai Bhaiyya to be romantic enough to go to such a place…’
Both the women began laughing on this and Bani’s attention was once again taken by Anu, who was trying ever tactic in the book to avoid eating the gooey Banana and get her hands on the wafer chocolates that Bani had brought for her.
‘You know…Tarun and I had planned a holiday to New Zealand when Anu was 2…but we had to cancel at the nth hour, because she came up with Measles…and can you believe, we haven’t been on a proper vacation since then?’
Bani gave a faint smile realizing that even though Karuna was complaining, her voice held a strange sort of pride…the pride that a Mother has for her responsibility and duty towards her child, for which any sacrifice is no sacrifice at all.
Karuna who was holding Anu in her lap and trying to pour the mashed fruit into her mouth, messing her own clothes in the process, getting her hair pulled by Anu and soiling the bed sheet simultaneously went on, ‘Its really tough to plan a holiday with a child…now we only go to nearby places which are really child friendly…Tarun wanted to go to Aspen this summer for skiing…men are so unpractical, isn’t it Bhabhi. Skiing indeed…with a child of 5!’ She laughed on her own words and finally gave up on Anu, excusing herself from the room, to get some other fruit for her daughter to eat.
As soon as Karuna had gone out of the room, Anu came rushing to Bani and sitting on her lap, fingered her jewelry, playing as usual with her black-beaded Mangalsutra, which for some reason fascinated Anu. Bani smoothed the curly hair which made ringlets around the child’s rounded cheeks and wiped her mouth for traces of the rejected mashed banana food and suddenly found her eyes to be full of tears.
Just holding her in her lap and touching the soft baby skin, looking at the innocent eyes and trying to give answers to her unanswerable questions, Bani felt such a terrible pang in her heart, that she felt completely overwhelmed by the sensation.
By the time, Karuna came back, holding a bowl of stewed apple, which seemed to agree with little Anu’s taste-buds, she noticed the look of thoughtfulness on Bani’s face and asked softly, ‘What happened Bhabhi? You look so lost...is everything okay?’
Bani kept quiet for some time, taking the bowl of apple from Karuna and feeding Anu herself and asked frankly, ‘Do you like being a Mother?’
Karuna stared at Bani for some time in bewilderment at the question and a warm smile covered her face. Giving a look at Anu, she said with a deep conviction ringing in her voice, ‘More than anything else in the world.’
Bani smiled at the answer and asked again, ‘And Tarunji?’
Karuna laughed at this and wiping Anu’s face, thankful that she had eaten the last morsel of the stewed apple, said, ‘His day starts with Anu jumping up and down on his chest and his day ends when he recites her a bedtimes story before putting her to sleep…even if he can barely open his eyes.’
Bani kept quiet, lost in her thoughts, letting Anu play once again with her jewelry and then Karuna who had been staring at Bani in a curious manner, let out a knowing smile and said, ‘Please tell me that you are making me a Bua very soon!’
Bani blushed, suddenly awoken from her thoughts and Anu catching up immediately, looked at her Mother and then at Bani and said, ‘How will Mami make you a Bua, Mom?’
Bani went pink all over her face, bending it to hide her embarrassment and Karuna kept giggling in response.
After shoving off Anu with great difficulty out of the room with the maid, Karuna spoke with confidentiality, ‘Bhabhi…are you and Bhaiyya planning a family?’
Bani lowered her head, feeling her cheeks inflame and just nodded her head in muted response, indicating nothing.
Holding her arm, Karuna said, ‘Oh come on Bhabhi…you are too shy! What is there to be so embarrassed about it? We are both married…we both know how babies are made…come on now, be frank with me!’
Bani regretted entering the conversation and tried to find a way out, but to no avail.
Reluctantly she said in a low voice, ‘We haven’t discussed it at all…’
Karuna tossed her head and said, ‘What is there to discuss? It’s just a matter of a couple of nights without protection and wham…there you have a pregnancy…and 9 months later, there you have a baby! Simple.’ Karuna made it sound just about as simple as buying some vegetables from the grocer.
If what Bani felt till now was just awkwardness, now it turned to full blown mortification, further fuelled by Karuna’s incessant teasing.
Flustering, Bani tried to get up and said, ‘I should be getting home now…your Bhaiyya will be back and he gets really upsets if I am not around…’
Forcing Bani to sit down again, she waved her hand and said, ‘Oh come on…you told me on arrival that Bhaiyya will be coming back home late tonight…now tell me about this whole, “We haven’t yet discussed it” scenario?’
Giving up trying to dodge Karuna’s questioning, Bani complied and spoke with shy frankness, ‘I don’t know what you Bhaiyya thinks on this…he has never brought up this topic…’
‘You always place his opinion, his view, his judgment in the forefront…What about you? After all you are the one who will be carrying the child for nine months and screaming your guts out when you go into labor! And please don’t even get me started on the never-ending feeds, waking up at 3 in the morning and changing the diaper…teething…colic…’
Bani did not look petrified with all that she had heard, in stead she smiled and said, ‘But still, what you get in the end more than makes it up, isn’t it?’
Karuna gave a warm smile and agreed, ‘Oh yes, it does…the feeling that a woman has, when her child is handed over in her arms by the Doctor for the first time is something so magical, so divine, that one has to experience it….to really know it.’
Bani looked lost in deep thought, till Karuna interrupted gently and said, ‘If Bhaiyya hasn’t brought it up, then you speak to him…Bhabhi, take my words…you are just born to be a Mother…just look at the way you fuss around your husband…and I can imagine the love and care you will invest in your child…’
And then added teasingly, ‘And just think, once you have this baby…you can actually get away with an excuse to go off to sleep early…’
Bani got up at once, trying to hide her grin and said, ‘I get the point…now I have to leave…Hari Singhji has been waiting for so long…he has to go and pick up your Bhaiyya also.’
Hugging Karuna with a goodbye and making several promises to a weepy-faced Anu that she will surely stay back one day and sleep in her room and tell her a hundred stories, Bani set out for home…with an idea that was fast becoming an obsession.
Walia Mansion (Aka...The Lion's Den
)It was close to eleven at night when Jai finally came back home and unfortunately for Bani, in a thunderous mood, following a very heated argument with the client.
‘The bloody man…what does he think he is? Trying to act smart with me…he will know what he is up against…’ Muttering expletives under his breath, Jai all but tore the tie from his neck, till Bani came nervously near him and pulled it off.
He kept abusing the client and a host of other people, till Bani managed to calm him down a bit and offered some Nimbu Paani and very caringly got him out clothes to wear to the bed and made some soothing noises, agreeing to everything that Jai had just said.
By the time, Bani came back from the washroom after changing into what was her s**iest night clothes and sat next to him coyly, Jai had already taken out his laptop and was furiously jabbing some emails, not even aware of his wife right next to him on the Bed.
‘Ahem…’ she coughed, drawing herself closer to Jai, who was sitting in the upright position, wearing his specs and peering with great concentration and irritation writ on his face.
Not one to give up so easily, she edged even closer, till he gave a partly annoyed look at her and said, ‘Bani, don’t stick to me like this…I am not able to type.’
She kept still for sometime, wondering if she should just give up for tonight and go to sleep, bringing up the topic of a baby when he was in a better mood, or maybe bring the topic up and his black mood might just undergo a change.
She began bashfully, ‘I had gone to Karuna Didi’s place today…Anu was wearing the pinafore dress you brought for her from London.’
Without taking his eyes off the laptop, Jai gave an absent nod and said, ‘How is Karuna? I haven’t seen her for ages.’
‘She is fine…so busy with Anu…you should have seen her throwing a fuss eating her evening snack…’ Bani said with apparent affection, hoping that brining up his darling niece’s name will evoke some kind of a buried paternal emotion in Jai.
Unexpectedly, Jai snapped, ‘That kid is turning out to be a brat! Tarun and Karuna have no idea how to bring up a child with discipline…they spoil her rotten.’
Taken aback at the statement, Bani was silenced and then she ventured supportably of Anu, ‘She is just a baby…and so cute…our house comes alive whenever she visits us!’
Jai grimaced at some email he had read and punching his sliver Macintosh with more ferocity, barked back, ‘Please remember, next time Anu comes over, my laptop is nowhere in her sight…the last time, she jumped over it and there was a crack on the cover…I will make Tarun pay up if his daughter breaks anymore of my things.’
Though obviously Jai spoke without any malice and Bani knew how much he adored Anu, she got the idea that he was in too bad a mood to discuss anything apart from his work, least of all children.
Bani looked so disappointed with the turn of conversation, that she said a very half-hearted goodnight to Jai and tried to sleep, putting off the table lamp on her side of the bed.
She felt his strong forearm wrap around her waist after some 2 hours or so, but she was too groggy to be awake, Jai lurched forward and planted a very quick and light kiss on her cheeks and pulled the duvet to cover Bani properly and then switched off his side of the Table lamp and went to sleep.
So much for conceiving a baby!
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The next day, Bani called her school to state that she was coming in late and decide that morning was always a good time to speak reasonably to her husband.
Bringing him his coffee, she sat near the side of the bed and very lovingly patted his hair, which she noticed with concern, was graying on the ends. Though it admittedly made him look even more handsome than he already was, it indicated to Bani, that though she might still be very young, her husband’s biological clock was fast ticking away.
With that thought, she kept nudging Jai till he looked up bleary eyed and extremely sleepy from the pillow where he had his face buried and said, ‘Wazzz…’ and once again went back to sleep.
Not finding much response this way, she leaned forward to plant a long, soft kiss on his ears, hoping that the lingering fragrance from her freshly washed hair will do its magic, the way it normally did.
Jai pushed back the wet hair from the side of his face, muttering something in irritation and said, ‘Lemme sleep…’
Ignoring his protests, she kept nudging and tickling him, till Jai turned on his back and looking at Bani with half-closed eyes said, ‘What is it Bani? Why are you pestering me like this?’
Annoyed, she replied, ‘I never say anything when I want to sleep and you won’t let me…’
‘So is this the revenge for that? Not now, sweetheart…I slept at 2 at night…I have a meeting at 10 followed by a killing day…please switch off the lights and go to the kitchen or something.’
Saying that, he covered his head with the duvet again, now really upsetting Bani, who pulled it back from his head and said, ‘No, I won’t go to the kitchen…get something to eat on your own from the Office.’ Saying that she sat in a huff, hoping that Jai would get angry at this outburst and at least get up and listen to her. But to no avail, all Jai gave her was a sleepy smile and said, ‘Okay…No problem! Just wake me up before you leave for school.’
Not getting her way, Bani stamped her feet in frustration and said desperately, ‘I want something from you.’
With his head buried inside the duvet, his voice came out muffled and disinterested, ‘Sure, buy anything you want. Take the American Express Black Card from my wallet, just in case.’
Infuriated beyond control, Bani had tears springing up in the corners of her eyes and she said in a choked voice, ‘Your American Express Black Card cannot buy everything, you know.’
‘It can…or that is what my Relationship Banker told me. Now leave, Bani…Please!’ he yelled back.
Pinching his bare back, Bani went out sulking and when Jai finally came downstairs for Breakfast, frowned some more, marring her beautiful face.
‘Did I marry you so that you can look like Cruella De Ville? And what was the big rush about in the morning?’
Keeping the Mug of Coffee with a loud clank on the table, Bani made a face and refused to comply, hoping that he would come running and try to cheer her up, when she can put in the pitch for a Junior Jai or Junior Bani.
Ignoring her very obvious annoyance or something, Jai picked up his Financial Times, handed over to him by Bhavesh and started checking the share prices of some of his investments.
Irritated at being ignored by him, she pulled the paper out of his hand and said, ‘You can read this when you are driving down to Office…I wanted to speak with you in the morning but you were too busy sleeping.’
‘Oh, Bani…stop nagging me all the time…you are turning out to be just like your Mother…’
‘Don’t you start on my family now…’ Bani stared at him with her wide eyes and sat huffily on a chair besides him, while Jai started laughing.
‘So princess consort, why these temper tantrums in the morning?’
‘I had been wanting to say something to you since yesterday night, but you seem to have time for everything, except me.’
Jai picked up the newspaper again from her hand and said in a good-humored but absent manner, ‘Speak then!’
Bani hesitated for a while but knowing that any subtlety would be lost upon her husband, she said directly, ‘I want a baby.’
Jai wrinkled his brow as he checked the latest price of a share he had brought last week and frowned in disapproval, replying absently, ‘Who’s baby?’
Frustrated, Bani took a deep breath and said, ‘obviously our baby! Why would I ask for someone else’s child?’
This time, Jai did look up and with raised eyebrows, eyes sparkling with amusement and he said slowly, ‘Okaayyyyy…sounds reasonable enough.’
Bani flushed at the look he gave her and quickly lowered her head, pretending to pour some more Coffee for him, clanking the crockery to hide her nervousness. Jai laughed shortly looking at her fumble in front of him, and keeping a warm hand on her shaking one, made her look up and said, ‘I will do anything to keep you happy Bani…if you want to make a cricket team…I am all game for it!’ (Actually with JW, nothing is impossible...)
She flushed some more and they both broke down laughing, Bani kept her head on his knees and rubbing her soft hair with his fingers, he said seriously, ‘But where did you get this sudden inspiration to become a Mother from?’
She looked up and said, ‘I work with children…I have lived in a family with two younger siblings and hordes and hordes of little cousins…and now I see Anu almost every week…it was always in the back of my mind.’
Checking his watch, he got up saying that he was getting late and she went inside to prepare breakfast for him.
Going up to lay out his clothes, Bani smiled shyly at Jai, when he came out of the bathroom, water dripping from his hair as usual. She took the towel and dried it for him, till Jai held her tightly from her waist and quipped, ‘When do you think we should embark on this venture…you know future Walia’s?’
Bani giggled and said mischievously, ‘As soon as possible.’
Pulling her in a sudden jolt and pushing her down on the bed, he said, ‘I have exactly 20 minutes to spare now…and as your mother always said, “Shubh kaam mein deri kaisi…”
In between uncontrollable laughter and giggles, Bani tried to shout and wriggle her way out of Jai’s arms, but he had his way as usual and later got some extremely baleful glances from his board of directors when he arrived 40 minutes late to the Office.
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Bani was so excited with the thought of becoming a Mother, one evening she went to a famous bookshop and brought every possible book on Pregnancy, Childbirth, Conception and everything related to the Reproduction process.
Jai never had the end of teasing her when one night he saw her hiding, ‘Dr. Spock’s Pregnancy Handbook inside a Webster Dictionary and reading it in stealth.’
Bani who generally always complained of how exhausted Jai always made her feel, now looked all fresh and ready to go every time they made love. Which for some reason, Jai found extremely funny and amusing.
One evening, Jai came out very late and feeling quite worn out, and then noticed that Bani was dressed in her best lacy nightgown and had spread the best Egyptian cotton bedsheet on their bed and dimmed all the lights in the room, setting up an extremely romantic atmosphere.
Like a dutiful wife that she was, Bani quelled all thoughts of having s** (which according to her was only necessary to produce an off-spring, if she enjoyed being with Jai, she never ever admitted to it, not in front of him at least!) and very coyly set about giving him is night clothes and bringing his medicines and water before retiring to sleep.
Jai had to bite his lips to avoid laughing out loud, looking at Bani’s complete game-plan to have a baby and he said, ‘You know Bani…this is like my best fantasy come true…’
She was fluffing his pillow and looking up at him, said innocently, ‘What?’
Grinning wickedly at her, Jai said, ‘Coming back home to see that my pure and chaste innocent wife is setting the stage to molest me…’
Saying that he threw his head back and laughed uproariously, more because of the expression that Bani had and less because of his own joke, till she kept hitting him with the pillows, laughing alongside him.
He pushed her back on the bed, pinning her hands behind her head with his one arm and taking her chin in his fingers, drawing her close to his mouth and gave a long, hard, lingering kiss and ruthlessly tearing open the lacy straps of her gown.
‘Now if this doesn’t get you pregnant, god knows what will…’ :In Love:came his hoarse voice, before he jabbed the table lamp and the room dipped in darkness.
8 Months Later
Jai was at the breakfast table, his head buried in the Financial Times and getting pieces of fruits popped inside his mouth by Bani, who was constantly complaining about how much time he takes to eat and unless she made him eat forcibly, he would probably remain hungry throughout the day. Jai kept making agreeable sounds, as if he was listening to every word that she was saying, but his mind was completely occupied by the rising stocks of one of the Companies he had just taken over.
When Jai finished his breakfast, handing over his leather-case and a whole bunch of stuff to read during the journey from home to Office over to his driver, Hari Singh, he saw a look of acute tension and sadness on Bani’s face. In fact, he had been noticing for the past few days, how quiet she had become and many times, seemed lost and disoriented. He had been wanting to speak to her on this, assuming that she must be having some problem at her school, but for some reason or the other, it had kept slipping out of his mind.
As she helped him wear his blazer, he noticed how suddenly she had hushed up and was looking strangely pensive and preoccupied. Putting his palm on her cheeks, he lifted her face so that she could look in his eyes and said in a tender voice, ‘What’s wrong, Bani?’
Somehow the tenderness and deep concern in the simple sentence, broke down her defenses and her eyes welled up with tears, which she tried to wipe immediately, turning herself away from Jai.
Ignoring his buzzing blackberry, Jai held her by both her shoulders and turned her to face him, now with panic in his voice, ‘What happened sweetheart? Did someone say anything to you? At work? Or you feeling ill? Should we go to the Doctor? Bani…stop crying…please! You are really scaring me now.’
She kept weeping like a child and kept her head on his chest, he held her tightly in his arms and patted the back of her head lovingly, saying, ‘Then tell me, what’s wrong? Come on, if you don’t discuss with me, who else then?’
Stopping her tears with great difficulty, she looked up at him and said in a choked voice, ‘its more than 8 months now…I…I haven’t conceived yet.’
He kept staring at her for some time, relief seeping in through every pore of his body and picking up his blackberry again, he pulled her cheeks affectionately and said, ‘So that is why this Ganga Jamuna? God…and I had my BP falling down wondering what is wrong with you…’
Bani looked upset now and sniffing back, said, ‘Isn’t this something to worry about? 8 Months is a very long time.’
Rolling his eyes, Jai replied back, ‘Well, I am not a Doctor or Medical professional, but as far as my knowledge goes, conceiving can take up to 2 years also…and there is nothing seemingly wrong with both of us…so why is the need to take so much stress?’
Looking at her and realizing that his explanation had not eased her even one bit, he said in a placatory tone, ‘Fine…this Sunday…No…I think I have a Golf Session with one of my oldest clients…can’t cut that out…Okay, next Sunday…lets go to our Doc and get a check-up done…no harm in it…will that relieve you?’
She had stopped crying completely and looked a bit cheered up at the thought of getting a Medical opinion and said hesitantly, ‘Thanks…that would make me feel so much better…but can’t we do it earlier?’
Jai scratched his head, wondering how he could fit a fertility test in his chockablock schedule and then looking at his wife’s pathetic, sad face, his heart immediately melted some more and he said, ‘Okay fine…tomorrow! I will tell Gloria to fix an appointment with Dr. Mathur…she is the best we have in Mumbai. Now cheer up and when I come back home, tonight, I want you see you in that s**y red nighty you have…all lace and satin.’
Bani gave him an impetuous look and said, ‘You tore it…’
Jai said in an apparently bewildered voice, ‘Oh…then wear anything but that horrible yellow gown with strawberries printed all over…’ (Yes, I took inspiration from KS, where PD used to wear that awful looking gown right after marriage...no wonder, JW never gave her a second look!
)Bani said in a wounded voice, ‘I love that nighty…Ma gifted it to me.’
Jai popped a grape into Bani’s mouth and quipped wickedly, ‘You are always wearing that monstrosity…no wonder, I am not able to get you preggers…’
Bani squealed and laughed, hitting Jai on his chest, till he leaned forward and kissed her goodbye.
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Jai and Bani had a lengthy pre-check up talk with Dr. Simran Mathur, who was one of India’s leading Fertility specialist and then proceeded to take a couple of routine tests the coming weekend, during which, much to Jai’s disappointment and Bani’s amusement, they had to abstain from any physical contact.
At night, while retiring for sleep, Jai murmured in irritation, ‘This is so idiotic…5 whole days…are they planning an immaculate conception for you?’
Bani giggled in response and then snatching his laptop from him, stacked up a game of Rummy and proceeded to beat Jai 5 times in a row, till he flung all the cards on the carpet in frustration and if nothing else, got to kiss Bani furiously all over.
The few days following the fertility tests were very tough for Bani and she kept having a sixth intuition that something wrong will happen. Jai, even though extremely occupied by work, tried his best to keep her spirits up and was as loving and caring as ever.
Bani was lying on Jai’s chest, running her fingers in circles, obviously lost in thought, while Jai was jabbing some emails on his blackberry, holding Bani in one arm and the phone in another.
She spoke out of the blue, in a heavy voice, ‘What if something goes wrong? What if I am not able to have a baby?’
Jai answered in an absent manner, ‘I will immediately marry again and then my new wife and I will make you an unpaid slave and you will be cooking and cleaning for us the whole day long, while we have a great time.’
Bani lifted her head and looking at Jai, his expression dead-pan, as he kept sending and receiving emails. They both burst out laughing raucously, till tears were streaming down Bani’s cheeks.
Pushing her gently down on the bed, he lifted himself up to cover her side and said in a soft voice, ‘It won’t make any difference to me…not one bit…I consider myself the luckiest man in the world…to have got a wife like you…anything else is a bonus…but you are the capital and principal amount of my life.’
And then added with humor, ‘I spoke like a true Financial wizard!’
Bani felt so touched, that she cried some more and spoke in a heartfelt manner, ‘But everyone needs a child to bind them closer…’
He lifted a tendril off her cheeks and pushed hit back behind her ears, ‘A child in our life would be a blessing, no doubt about it…but it will be a result of our love, Bani…Not the reason of it.’
She lay gazing at him with profound love and devotion; he swept her up into his arms so that she lay captive against him, her ugly strawberry printed gown sweeping down from his embrace. The dim room lights lit his eyes and she could see the iron grip of control he still held on himself. She reached up with her arms; brought his lips to hers so that she could surrender, felt the crush of her soft B****s against his hard chest.
4 Weeks Later
Jai couldn’t even place the call, when his secretary Gloria interrupted him in the middle of a meeting he was having with his lawyer and said that, Dr. Mathur wanted to speak with him.
Jai had a hurried conversation on the phone with the Doctor and with great hesitation agreed to come down and meet her in the evening at her clinic. He assumed that the results must have come out and since she knew the Walia’s personally, she would have wanted to hand them over on her own. Jai had to review a couple of project reports the following evening and he hoped that his meeting with Dr. Mathur will be rushed and he would be able to come back to Office and complete his work.
Jai hardly noticed Dr. Mathur entering her room, where Jai was already waiting for her, sending emails in that little time he had to wait in the room. They both greeted each other warmly and casually checked on their common acquaintances.
Jai, who was obviously in a hurry to leave, looked up and said politely, ‘Um…I assume you have the reports on you…hope everything is in order.’
Dr. Mathur kept quiet and looked at him, while he continued unmindful, ‘My wife has been getting really worked up about this whole pregnancy thing…I wouldn’t have even thought about getting the tests done, but just wanted to put her at ease.’
Suddenly noticing how silent and grim the kind-faced Doctor looked, Jai spoke with a tremor in his voice, ‘Is everything fine, Dr. Mathur?’
She shrugged her head and said simply, ‘I am sorry Jai…Bani cannot become a Mother.’
Jai stared at her as if he hadn’t heard her clearly and ignoring his buzzing blackberry, he spoke finally, ‘Excuse me?’
Dr. Mathur spoke with professional detachment yet there was a softness in her voice, ‘Its an open and shut case…she has a serious hormonal problem…the medical term is Endometriosis…even if she undergoes the best available fertility treatments, which I know that you can very well afford…she will still have less than a 5% chance of conceiving.’
Jai sat still, too stunned to say anything or even offer a reaction.
Dr. Mathur continued, ‘I have examined all the possible options…and consulted some of my colleagues working in the US…everyone has more or less the same opinion…you can definitely opt for the various fertility treatments that are available…but in my opinion, it won’t lead to much...apart from bringing a lot of mental agony to both of you, especially Bani.’
Jai heaved a deep, long sigh and buried his face in the palm of his hands, shaking it in disbelief. This was the last thing he had expected….how was he ever going to tell this to Bani…the little idea that had gathered in her mind a few months ago, to become a Mother…had turned into an obsession for her now…and to go and tell her that her dream would never become a reality was akin to slaughtering her with his own hands.
‘She will never be able to take this…’ Jai murmured, not even aware that Dr. Mathur was in the room.
The doctor spoke compassionately, ‘Jai…you have to be brave and give courage to your wife too. This is not the end of the world…I understand that every married couple aspire to become parent’s…that a natural progression to their relationship…but if God wills something else, then its only right, that you accept it with grace.’
Jai forgot all about going back to Office and after sending Hari Singh home, drove aimlessly around Mumbai, Dr. Mathur’s words still ringing in his head.
Sure he was extremely disappointed and dejected at hearing that he wont’ be able to become a Father…but what caused the deep fear in his heart was Bani’s reaction to it. Life would go on for Jai, as long as Bani was there for him…the disappointment of not having someone to carry his name would always be there…but he knew that the love he shared with Bani could overcome everything…even the absence of a child.
But he could not say the same for Bani. She obviously loved him from the depths of her heart and had centered her life and happiness around him, yet he knew very well, how important a family was to her…a child especially…someone to call her a Mother…
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By the time, he reached home, his heart was heavy with the impending gloom that was going to spread out like a fog in Bani’s life and his steps faltered when he walked inside his home.
Bani who had been waiting for him eagerly, knowing that he had come straight from Dr. Mathur’s Office, handed over a glass of water and trying very badly to hide her eagerness, said, ‘So?’
He gave a faint smile at her and keeping the glass of water on the table said, ‘There’s bad news and good news. Which one do you want to hear first?’
The smile completely faded out of Bani’s eyes and she spoke in a small voice, ‘Bad news? Tell me both…’
Jai closed his eyes and prepared to tell the first lie of his life, ‘The good news is that, you can become a Mother…’
Bani kept staring at Jai, who for some reason, was not able to look back into her eyes and he said with in a strangled voice, ‘And the bad news is that, I can’t be the father of your child.’
They kept sitting in silence, till Bani got up quietly and said, ‘You have said this now…but don’t ever use such words again…If I can’t become the Mother of your child…then I don’t even want to think of becoming a Mother ever.’
Jai got up and hugged Bani, till she put her head on his chest and blinked her eyes rapidly to stop her tears from flowing.
It must have been around 1 at night, that Jai felt the soft sobs emanating from Bani, who was sleeping with her back turned to him. He waited for a moment and then placed his arms gently around her body and turned her to face him, even in the dark, he could see, how much she had been crying.
Assuming that she was heartbroken over the fact that he won’t be able to Father a child, Jai begin to apologize, till she closed her eyes in pain and opening them, looked into him and said, ‘You really think, you could get away with such a big lie?’
Jai kept staring at her, shell-shocked.
‘Even before you said a single word, I could read your eyes…you lied so that not to hurt me, isn’t it?’
Jai had gotten up and switched on the table lamp and begin to explain, ‘Bani…listen…’
She kept crying and said, ‘I know that the good news is you…and the bad news is me…’
For the first time in years, Jai felt his own eyes welling up and even though he wanted to hug his wife tight and hold her back from her every fear and grief, he was unable to do so.
All he could say in a defeated voice was, ‘I am sorry…’
She broke down crying in a heart-broken manner, till Jai couldn’t stand it anymore and pulling her roughly towards him, held her with all the ferocity and protectiveness he could garner.
‘I said this earlier…I am saying it again…it makes no difference to our marriage, Bani…I love you just as much…even more now.’
And then he took her tear-stained face in his hands, planted a light kiss on her cheeks, when she noticed with shock that his own eyes were a burning red and held her in his arms, till she felt into a deep, emotionally exhausted Sleep.
Year 4 of Marriage – Part A
Jai closed the door of the bedroom behind him, only to notice that Bani was already asleep, with her body turned the other way, so that he couldn’t see her face. His night-clothes were laid out in a neat pile on his side of the bed, and a glass of water along with his medicines were kept on the Coffee Table. He stood near the bed, staring at her supposedly sleeping form, not once fooled by the fact that she was actually asleep, shrugging his head, picked up his clothes and changed into them.
When Bani felt the soft tapping of the keyboard, she gingerly opened her eyes, knowing that Jai was working on his laptop. She kept lying with her eyes open, staring in a vacant manner at the paisley pattern on the olive green carpet below, on which some of the light from Jai’s side lamp fell.
Jai, although kept tapping at his keyboard, was actually looking at Bani. He wondered who’s evil eye had fallen upon his once perfectly happy marriage and more sadly his once loving and much loved wife…probably his own.
Since the day Bani had come to know that she wouldn’t be able to conceive, there had been a subtle but definite change in her…from the once ever-cheerful and loving girl that she was, slowly, she became withdrawn, depressed and moody.
There was no change in her dedication towards Jai and she did everything as faithfully for him, as she had done since they had got married…but her heart was missing. And it showed clearly in everything.
Small but often important things were forgotten by her, food which used to taste divine if just touched by her hands, came out bland and insipid nowadays. Going out together had almost become a torture now, since Bani clearly hated socializing more than ever and just clammed up in front of others, making everyone, especially Jai feel extremely awkward. Even if it was a visit to Karuna or their close family friend, Aditya and Jigyasa’s house, Bani would never enter a single conversation and just stare listlessly at an inanimate object instead.
Between Jai and Bani, their s** life had all but become a drudgery, or that is what Jai felt every time, he tried to make love to Bani and all he got was an unresponsive and uninterested body and a clear absence of mind and heart.
As much as he tried to speak with her, cheer her up and lift her spirits, nothing seemed to work. Day by day, Bani was sinking in a whirlpool of depression and what’s more, taking Jai along with her.
It was close to 2 in the morning, when Jai finished his work and shutdown his laptop to catch a few hours of sleep before he had to leave for Office. He had been working tirelessly for the last few weeks, determined to wrap off a lot of his work prior to his schedule. No one except the people closest to him knew why he was so hell-bent on ruining his health by working so hard unnecessarily when things could have been done in the normal course of time.
2 Weeks Later
As soon as they walked out of the Airport, Jai looked up at the cloudless sky and uttered a silent prayer to the God in whom he had never really believed, that may this second honeymoon usher in some peace in Bani and quell her depression and restlessness and hopefully bring the same love and happiness in their marriage . They were in Florence for a week and only Jai knew how much he had to sacrifice to come for the holiday, leaving behind innumerous projects that were in pipeline, overworking himself to the maximum limits so that he might not be called upon while on his holiday, arranging everything in meticulous detail beforehand, so that his younger brother Nachiket wouldn’t face any crisis in his absence.
Jai knew that all of it would be worth the effort if only it could bring the intended result upon his wife. To see Bani so sad and heartbroken killed him and Jai had willed upon himself that come what may, he would never let her feel the absence of a child…that he would shower her life with so much love and so much happiness, that she would never miss being a Mother.
She stood expressionlessly as Jai looked around for the Hotel Car that was supposed to chauffer them from here to the Villa Olmi Resort, one of the most exclusive places to stay in all of Europe. Jai had flooded Bani with exotic pictures of the Resort and of the sightseeing attractions in and around Florence, to be met with a polite nod and a complete disinterest in her eyes. Jai had hoped that things would be different when they would both be alone together…it was nearly 2 years that they had gone on a holiday and Jai hoped this one would be a new beginning for both Bani and their unexpectedly moribund marriage.
When the Limousine drew up near the hills of Bagno a Ripoli, Jai who had travelled extensively all over the world felt that the brochures certainly did not do justice to the old Villa Estate that was now converted to a heritage hotel.
Surrounded by the lush greenery of centuries old park, the white-washed single structure building was set amongst luscious vineyards, offsetting the stark white façade with bright purple grapes and deep green leaves, that seemed to completely swathe the terrace of the Villa.
Enclosing Bani in his strong arm, Jai pulled her towards him and said softly, ‘Isn’t it beautiful? Just like a dream…’
She gave an absent smile in response and lightly shrugging off Jai’s arms, walked inside the cool, marble interiors, dying to get to her room and catch some sleep, since she had been unable to get any in the long flight from Mumbai to Rome and then another connecting flight to Florence.
By the time, Jai completed the check-in formalities and made some quick phone calls back home to ensure that nothing was on fire, he walked into the spacious and vintage-chic appointed room to see that Bani had changed into a night-gown and looked prepared to sleep. She gave a quiet smile at him and said, ‘I am feeling really tired…is it okay…’ she left the sentence unsaid, waiting for his approval.
Jai never understood how the same woman who could be so subservient and deferential as to ask her husband permission before going to sleep could be so obstinate and tenacious when it came to understanding that she was probably ruining her present for a future which didn’t even exist.
He smiled back and walking toward her, after depositing his jacket on the couch, planted a light kiss on her forehead and said, ‘Take some rest…you’ve been awake for almost 24 hours now. Should I order something to eat?’
‘No…after I get up. But please, you have something…’
Jai assured her that he will eat a light brunch before joining in for a short nap himself and in the meanwhile he could send some emails. Jai was surprised when he checked his watch and realized that it was late noon, engrossed in his office work. Suddenly he felt the effects of jet-lag coming upon him and his limbs felt weak and exhausted and his eyes kept shutting with lethargy.
When he came into the room, Bani was tying her hair sitting in front of the huge dresser. Jai looked at her reflection in the mirror and smiled, even though she had long given up taking care of her appearance, nothing could alter her natural beauty which was as undiminished as ever. Dressed in a simple peach chiffon sari with only the mangalsutra chain on her neck as her adornment, she looked so fragile and delicate, Jai simply couldn’t resist taking her into his arms, pulling her from behind, nuzzling his face at the base of her shoulders.
Taking a sharp breath-in, Bani gently struggled to ease herself from his grip, not meeting his eyes and said in an absent tone, ‘I…I need to eat something.’
Jai loosened his grip on her, but did not let her go and spoke tenderly, ‘I thought I saw the room service tray outside…haven’t you had anything to eat till now?’
Color suffused her cheeks and faltering a bit on her words, she said, ‘Er…yes…I completely forgot about it…did…did you eat something?’
Jai kept staring at her face and replied in a lost voice, ‘Hmm…I did…Bani?’
She looked up at him and he said, ‘Why did you lie to me?’
Feeling hot in her face, Bani stammered, ‘What do you mean?’
He replied evenly, ‘You very well know what I mean.’
By now, Bani was out of Jai’s arms and looking extremely nervous and lost, she mumbled, ‘I forgot that I ate…I am tired…why are you questioning me like this?’
Jai kept staring, not taking his eyes of her, his face growing darker by the moment; Bani could not muster the courage to look back at him and desperately seeked a way to be out of the room, away from her husband.
‘Bani, we need to talk. This can’t go on…sit here.’
Even though she felt shaky within, Bani mustered as much calm as she could and said, ‘I have a headache…I need to get some fresh air.’
Jai snapped back in irritation, ‘I don’t care if you have a headache…we still need to talk. So just sit down.’
Taken aback at the brusqueness in his voice, she replied hurt, ‘I know that you don’t care…you don’t have to put it in words.’
At the tether end of his patience coupled with severe physical exhaustion, Jai grabbed Bani’s shoulders and forcibly made her sit on the bed, gripping her upper hands so tightly, it made her eyes water in pain.
‘I don’t care for you? Is that a statement or an accusation? Of all the things you could have said for me…you chose to say one which couldn’t be further from the truth…that I don’t care for you?’
Bani did not answer back, biting her lips to avoid the tears which were rapidly forming in her eyes.
Kneeling down, he came level with Bani and without once taking his eyes off her, spoke, ‘Shouldn’t I be the one saying this to you, Bani?’
At this, she looked at him silently and he said in a low, bitter voice, ‘Can you remember one instance in the last 2 years when you asked me how I was? One instance, when you initiated a conversation between us? One instance, when you showed even the remotest demonstration of physical love? One instance, when you shared your feelings with me? One instance where you trusted me to be part of your pain?’
There seemed to be an endless silence between them, as she sobbed quietly and Jai with the look of a defeated warrior, let go, shrugging his shoulders and head and walked towards the huge bay window, overlooking the vineyards in a distance.
‘I want to go back.’ Her soft voice echoed in the spaciousness of the room.
Jai tilted his head sideways and retorted acrimoniously, ‘To where?’
She kept quiet for some time and then said in a hurt voice, ‘What do you mean by that? Where else but home?’
Without missing a beat, he turned around, his anger surfacing and showing so clearly on his face, that Bani felt physically jolted.
‘Home? There has to be some mistake in the address that you have…because as far I know…the only place where we can go from here is our separate ways, Bani…’
Shocked at his words, she got up, trembling and staring at her husband’s face, shouted back, fighting her tears, ‘Separate ways? For what? Just because I refuse to sleep with you?’
Jai was so taken aback at what she had said, that he could barely react for some time and when he spoke, all he said was, ‘If in the last 5 years of Marriage, this is your cumulative opinion about me…then I really have nothing more to say to you, Bani.’
Saying that Jai stormed off the room, not looking back at Bani, who fell on the bed, crying hopelessly.
She wanted to go behind him, apologize to him, hug him, be the wife that she always was to him…but her spirit gave away. Nothing seemed right in the world to Bani and she didn’t care or think that she was breaking her marriage into pieces for a child that wouldn’t even be in the world without her husband around.
Since the day, Dr. Simran Mathur had given the prognosis on her, Bani had taken it like a death sentence. Sure, a lot of people who had come to know of her misfortune had been heartbroken and dejected, but no one could even come near feeling the grief and anguish that Bani was going through, an agony that only kept compounding day by day, moment by moment.
Kiran had appropriated the entire pantheon of Hindu gods and goddesses so that they may bless her beloved daughter with a child…Nishikant in his wise words, had tried to instill courage and hope into his daughter…Raashi, Rano, Aparajit and Pallavi had given unending moral support to her.
Even Jai’s family had been extremely supportive of her, with her sister-in-law assuring Bani that not having a child will never change Jai’s affections for her.
Her ears heard all the words of sympathy and support, her mind registered the impossibility of the situation, but her heart refused to pay heed.
Jai had even brought up the issue of adoption, but had never mentioned it again, after seeing Bani’s violent and emotional reaction to the idea.
2 Hours later
Bani looked worriedly out of the floor to ceiling window, she could see the Sun setting in the distance and wondered where Jai could have stormed off too. She was besieged with guilt on his part and suddenly realized how tired and exhausted he must be feeling after journeying for almost a day without a break.
She had called up a couple of times on his blackberry, but there was no response. Going out towards the reception area, she tried to enquire about his whereabouts, but the limited vocabulary of the Reception staff ensured that she couldn’t get much out of them.
Draping a pashmina around her, Bani stepped outside the Villa, towards the vineyards which covered the area. It was quite dark by now and there was very subtle lighting outside making visibility difficult. Strain of Italian folk music floated into her ears and following the direction, she reached the pool side Bar, where a smattering of guests were enjoying their drinks and watching a performance set up for them.
A few of them gave uninterrupted looks at Bani when she arrived, standing a bit afar, feeling conscious at being stared upon, which was natural, given the way that she was dressed in a typically Indian attire, with her long hair left open in a plait and the parting in her forehead filled with vermillion, and a bright red bindi stuck firmly between her brows.
Obviously, the resort and its guests had not seen many Indian guests before, and definitely not one dressed in a typical ‘Discovery Channel’ Indian look.
Bani felt a spasm of relief when she saw her husband sitting on the long Bar-stool, lost in his own world, but the relief soon turned to concern and guilt when she saw the manner in which he was dunking himself in alcohol.
She had only walked half-way, when he looked up from the glass of Cordon Bleu he was consuming and their eyes met. Hers filled with confusion and anxiety. His filled with desperation and grief.
Shrugging his head indolently, Jai began to drink again, till Bani came by his side and kept her hand over his shoulder, only to be met with an arctic glare.
‘Why are you here?’ His voice was slightly drunk, but mostly filled with ill-suppressed fury.
She replied back in her low, soft voice, ‘Lets go to the room. We can talk there.’
He kept staring at her face and replied sarcastically, ‘When I tried to talk to you, I was accused of trying to bed you…’
Taking a heavy breath and trying to control her emotions, Bani said sincerely, ‘I am sorry for that…I really spoke too much…please lets go to the room and speak. Everyone is staring at us, here.’
‘Since when have you started caring for what other’s think? I thought all that you cared was for a child…and when you couldn’t have it, you systematically set about destroying everyone else who ever cared for you.’
Stung by the bitterness in his tone and by the sharpness of his words, her eyes instantly watered and she bit her lips to avoid crying in front of everyone.
There was silence between them, as Bani clung on to his arm, willing to take him back to the room and pacify his anger and dejection over the whole trip and mostly over the way she had been behaving for the last few months.
It was not deliberate and even Jai knew that. But there was a limit to which he could bear and put up to and Bani had pushed the envelope today. He had been nothing but understanding and loving to her all through the past few months, since the day he had to break the news to her. And it was not as if, all that was make-believe and fake. As much as he missed being a Father, Jai never stopped counted his blessings, amongst which he always placed his wife at the foremost. Being a realist, Jai realized that one could not have everything that one desired and the reason why they were not blessed with a child of their own, could be because, God had been generous enough to give them an extraordinarily happy marriage.
Jai, who had an unhappy childhood and a somewhat turbulent youth, thought that his marriage and his wife were his rewards for whatever good he might have done in his life and sincerely felt that hoping for anything more from God would be nothing but greediness.
For the life of him, Jai could not understand why Bani was ruining her mental peace and their combined lives by ruing over a child which didn’t even exist.
Bani on the other hand, though supremely devoted to Jai and finding all her happiness in her marriage and family, could not see it as the end of her life…for Bani, her marriage was a stepping stone to motherhood…and not having either one of them, meant that she as a woman was incomplete.
Bani on the other hand, perceived it as Jai’s insensitivity that he could not understand what she was going through and expected her to live her life normally, as if nothing was amiss from it.
Morning light was creeping in around the blinds and Jai had been awake for a while, but hadn’t got out of the bed. He was gazing straight up at the ceiling, breathing evenly in and out. His theory was that if he lie still enough then maybe the maelstrom of his mind would calm down and everything would fall neatly into place.
Bani was lying on his right side, with her bangle filled arms weighing lightly upon his chest. He did not remember most of last night, except for the ruckus he had created outside in the Bar, which had left Bani sobbing heavily. Frustrated at the situation he was trapped in, angry at his wife for the manner in which she was behaving and desperate to be alone, he had dragged Bani forcibly back to their room and flung her violently on the bed, telling her that they would be leaving back for India the very next day and once back, he would have to take some serious decisions about their marriage.
He felt guilty on the way he had treated Bani yesterday, yet he could not get her callousness regarding their marriage out of his mind. If it was a question of a few incidents, he could have easily disregarded it, but she was going completely out of her mind due to the inability to have a child and driving him insane too.
There was no doubt in Jai’s mind regarding his love and loyalty for Bani, but he could not ruin himself or his life, because of her emotional crisis. He had tried everything, given her moral support, unquestionable love and unswerving faithfulness, but he could not give her what she wanted…and if that was all she wanted…then he could not afford to destroy himself for her desire.
Everything had a full stop in life. Even love.
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There had been almost no conversation between them during their flight back to Mumbai. Jai had been ominously quite all through, just told her to pack her bags and meet him at the Reception for check-out. Fearing another outburst, Bani had obeyed as told, but the stony look in his eyes had left a cold fear in her heart…
They both looked so exhausted when they arrived back in Mumbai, that the sight of Jai’s brother, Nachiket, sister Karuna and her husband Tarun and their close family friends, Aditya and Jigyasa left them both dismayed.
Everyone stared at the sight of a disheveled and unshaven Jai and an extremely swollen eyed and scared looking Bani.
Nachiket spoke in a worried voice, ‘Bhaiyya? How come you are back to soon? And what is wrong with you? What happened Bhabhi?’
All that came from Jai was a stony silent stare and before anyone could say anything else, Bani dropped her handbag on the table, and rushed upstairs, hiding her crying face.
Aditya spoke anxiously, ‘What happened Jai? Why is Bani crying? Are you two alright?’
Karuna meanwhile had followed Bani upstairs and even after repeated knocks on the door, was met with no reply.
Jai ran his fingers through the thick mane of hair, which was turning grey from the sides and said in a weary voice, ‘I am sorry if I appear rude, but do you people mind leaving me alone for sometime…’
Tarun tried to say something, but Jai put up his hand and said, ‘Please. We are both really tired, travelling up and down 25000 miles in the last 4 days. I will explain to all of you…but as of now, would really appreciate, if you could leave us.’
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‘I don’t want you thinking that you are being told to leave your own house, Bani. Whatever decision we take, will be a mutual one. One that has both our agreement if not happiness in it.’
Bani stared vacantly out of the floor to ceiling window that dominated one side of their spacious bedroom in the Malabar Hills home they lived. The sea appeared an ominous shade of black, as thunder clouds gathered up in the sky and a heavy rain looked imminent.
It was close to 10 at night that Jai had appeared in their room and it had taken just one polite knock on the door for her to open it. Though they had both slept for some time after coming back from the airport, the weariness in their faces was still etched clearly.
Not getting any response from her, Jai kept his hand tenderly on her shoulder, noticing how much weight she had lost making her shoulder bone protrude.
She looked at him, there were no tears in her eyes, but such deep and profound sadness, it made Jai feel kicked in the gut just looking at her withdrawn face.
‘You can take any decision you want on behalf…anything that gives you happiness will always have my will to it.’
He stared hard at her and spoke with bitter hurt, ‘You think a separation from you will give me happiness? Do you have any inkling what I am going through, Bani?’
Not meeting his eyes, she sat silently. Taking her squarely by the shoulders, and forcing her to look his way, he said, ‘I am not blaming you for anything Bani…but are you even aware which direction our marriage is going into? And I am not even talking about the physical aspect….just look at it emotionally.’
Bani looked up tearfully at him and said, ‘This is all because I haven’t been able to give you a child, isn’t it?’
All the patience vanished in a second and infuriated all of a sudden, he snapped, ‘Again Child! Every time we talk, whenever we do…the topic begins and ends with a child! What about us, Bani? What about you and me? What about our marriage? What about the love that has been missing between us?’
Met with a pair of lost eyes, he flared up even more and yelled, ‘Do you even know what has happened between us, Bani? For the want of something we did not have, we ended up losing all that we had…and before this lost love turns into something far worse, I want to do whatever I can to mend our relationship…and if you don’t want to go to your parent’s h
the gift of love (2/4)
Karuna’s Home
Even before the Car had parked, Karuna’s 5 year old daughter, Anu came rushing outside the house and tottered all the way across the lawns, yelling with delight, ‘Mami…Mami…’
Bani gave a brilliant smile at the angelic girl and swooped her lovingly into her arms, smothering her with innumerous kisses all over her chubby face.
‘How is my sweetie cutie? Aww…you look so nice in this pinafore dress, Anu…who got it for you? Mummy or Daddy?’
Anu’s eyes twinkled in delight at the compliment and she said in her sing-song voice, ‘Mamu gave it…’
Bani smiled and asked, ‘Which Mamu?’
Anu kept a rounded finger on her cheeks in a great show of thought and said, ‘Your Mamu…’ referring to Jai.
Bani laughed in response and carried her inside, to be met with an ecstatic Karuna, who hugged her Bhabhi and then immediately launched a complaint over how she and Jai Bhaiyya never visited her more often.
Seating Bani in her room, Karuna ordered some tea and snacks for her, while chatting up and catching with news.
Bani smiled as she noticed that even though Karuna was talking to Bani, her whole attention was focused on little Anu and making her eat a mashed banana which she refused to even smell.
‘So Bhabhi, how was your holiday in Sydney…Anu…don’t do that…you will ruin your dress..’
Bani grinned and said, ‘We went to Cote d Azur in the South of France…not Sydney.’
Karuna did a ‘Ooooh’ and said, ‘Wow…that must have been beautiful, Bhabhi…ANU…eat this fruit right now, else you won’t get any of the chocolate that your Mami just gave you…’
Anu made a protesting noise and said, ‘Its yucky…’
In-between trying to force-feed her, Karuna went on conversationally, ‘You are so lucky Bhabhi…who could have imagined Jai Bhaiyya to be romantic enough to go to such a place…’
Both the women began laughing on this and Bani’s attention was once again taken by Anu, who was trying ever tactic in the book to avoid eating the gooey Banana and get her hands on the wafer chocolates that Bani had brought for her.
‘You know…Tarun and I had planned a holiday to New Zealand when Anu was 2…but we had to cancel at the nth hour, because she came up with Measles…and can you believe, we haven’t been on a proper vacation since then?’
Bani gave a faint smile realizing that even though Karuna was complaining, her voice held a strange sort of pride…the pride that a Mother has for her responsibility and duty towards her child, for which any sacrifice is no sacrifice at all.
Karuna who was holding Anu in her lap and trying to pour the mashed fruit into her mouth, messing her own clothes in the process, getting her hair pulled by Anu and soiling the bed sheet simultaneously went on, ‘Its really tough to plan a holiday with a child…now we only go to nearby places which are really child friendly…Tarun wanted to go to Aspen this summer for skiing…men are so unpractical, isn’t it Bhabhi. Skiing indeed…with a child of 5!’ She laughed on her own words and finally gave up on Anu, excusing herself from the room, to get some other fruit for her daughter to eat.
As soon as Karuna had gone out of the room, Anu came rushing to Bani and sitting on her lap, fingered her jewelry, playing as usual with her black-beaded Mangalsutra, which for some reason fascinated Anu. Bani smoothed the curly hair which made ringlets around the child’s rounded cheeks and wiped her mouth for traces of the rejected mashed banana food and suddenly found her eyes to be full of tears.
Just holding her in her lap and touching the soft baby skin, looking at the innocent eyes and trying to give answers to her unanswerable questions, Bani felt such a terrible pang in her heart, that she felt completely overwhelmed by the sensation.
By the time, Karuna came back, holding a bowl of stewed apple, which seemed to agree with little Anu’s taste-buds, she noticed the look of thoughtfulness on Bani’s face and asked softly, ‘What happened Bhabhi? You look so lost...is everything okay?’
Bani kept quiet for some time, taking the bowl of apple from Karuna and feeding Anu herself and asked frankly, ‘Do you like being a Mother?’
Karuna stared at Bani for some time in bewilderment at the question and a warm smile covered her face. Giving a look at Anu, she said with a deep conviction ringing in her voice, ‘More than anything else in the world.’
Bani smiled at the answer and asked again, ‘And Tarunji?’
Karuna laughed at this and wiping Anu’s face, thankful that she had eaten the last morsel of the stewed apple, said, ‘His day starts with Anu jumping up and down on his chest and his day ends when he recites her a bedtimes story before putting her to sleep…even if he can barely open his eyes.’
Bani kept quiet, lost in her thoughts, letting Anu play once again with her jewelry and then Karuna who had been staring at Bani in a curious manner, let out a knowing smile and said, ‘Please tell me that you are making me a Bua very soon!’
Bani blushed, suddenly awoken from her thoughts and Anu catching up immediately, looked at her Mother and then at Bani and said, ‘How will Mami make you a Bua, Mom?’
Bani went pink all over her face, bending it to hide her embarrassment and Karuna kept giggling in response.
After shoving off Anu with great difficulty out of the room with the maid, Karuna spoke with confidentiality, ‘Bhabhi…are you and Bhaiyya planning a family?’
Bani lowered her head, feeling her cheeks inflame and just nodded her head in muted response, indicating nothing.
Holding her arm, Karuna said, ‘Oh come on Bhabhi…you are too shy! What is there to be so embarrassed about it? We are both married…we both know how babies are made…come on now, be frank with me!’
Bani regretted entering the conversation and tried to find a way out, but to no avail.
Reluctantly she said in a low voice, ‘We haven’t discussed it at all…’
Karuna tossed her head and said, ‘What is there to discuss? It’s just a matter of a couple of nights without protection and wham…there you have a pregnancy…and 9 months later, there you have a baby! Simple.’ Karuna made it sound just about as simple as buying some vegetables from the grocer.
If what Bani felt till now was just awkwardness, now it turned to full blown mortification, further fuelled by Karuna’s incessant teasing.
Flustering, Bani tried to get up and said, ‘I should be getting home now…your Bhaiyya will be back and he gets really upsets if I am not around…’
Forcing Bani to sit down again, she waved her hand and said, ‘Oh come on…you told me on arrival that Bhaiyya will be coming back home late tonight…now tell me about this whole, “We haven’t yet discussed it” scenario?’
Giving up trying to dodge Karuna’s questioning, Bani complied and spoke with shy frankness, ‘I don’t know what you Bhaiyya thinks on this…he has never brought up this topic…’
‘You always place his opinion, his view, his judgment in the forefront…What about you? After all you are the one who will be carrying the child for nine months and screaming your guts out when you go into labor! And please don’t even get me started on the never-ending feeds, waking up at 3 in the morning and changing the diaper…teething…colic…’
Bani did not look petrified with all that she had heard, in stead she smiled and said, ‘But still, what you get in the end more than makes it up, isn’t it?’
Karuna gave a warm smile and agreed, ‘Oh yes, it does…the feeling that a woman has, when her child is handed over in her arms by the Doctor for the first time is something so magical, so divine, that one has to experience it….to really know it.’
Bani looked lost in deep thought, till Karuna interrupted gently and said, ‘If Bhaiyya hasn’t brought it up, then you speak to him…Bhabhi, take my words…you are just born to be a Mother…just look at the way you fuss around your husband…and I can imagine the love and care you will invest in your child…’
And then added teasingly, ‘And just think, once you have this baby…you can actually get away with an excuse to go off to sleep early…’
Bani got up at once, trying to hide her grin and said, ‘I get the point…now I have to leave…Hari Singhji has been waiting for so long…he has to go and pick up your Bhaiyya also.’
Hugging Karuna with a goodbye and making several promises to a weepy-faced Anu that she will surely stay back one day and sleep in her room and tell her a hundred stories, Bani set out for home…with an idea that was fast becoming an obsession.
Walia Mansion (Aka...The Lion's Den)
It was close to eleven at night when Jai finally came back home and unfortunately for Bani, in a thunderous mood, following a very heated argument with the client.
‘The bloody man…what does he think he is? Trying to act smart with me…he will know what he is up against…’ Muttering expletives under his breath, Jai all but tore the tie from his neck, till Bani came nervously near him and pulled it off.
He kept abusing the client and a host of other people, till Bani managed to calm him down a bit and offered some Nimbu Paani and very caringly got him out clothes to wear to the bed and made some soothing noises, agreeing to everything that Jai had just said.
By the time, Bani came back from the washroom after changing into what was her s**iest night clothes and sat next to him coyly, Jai had already taken out his laptop and was furiously jabbing some emails, not even aware of his wife right next to him on the Bed.
‘Ahem…’ she coughed, drawing herself closer to Jai, who was sitting in the upright position, wearing his specs and peering with great concentration and irritation writ on his face.
Not one to give up so easily, she edged even closer, till he gave a partly annoyed look at her and said, ‘Bani, don’t stick to me like this…I am not able to type.’
She kept still for sometime, wondering if she should just give up for tonight and go to sleep, bringing up the topic of a baby when he was in a better mood, or maybe bring the topic up and his black mood might just undergo a change.
She began bashfully, ‘I had gone to Karuna Didi’s place today…Anu was wearing the pinafore dress you brought for her from London.’
Without taking his eyes off the laptop, Jai gave an absent nod and said, ‘How is Karuna? I haven’t seen her for ages.’
‘She is fine…so busy with Anu…you should have seen her throwing a fuss eating her evening snack…’ Bani said with apparent affection, hoping that brining up his darling niece’s name will evoke some kind of a buried paternal emotion in Jai.
Unexpectedly, Jai snapped, ‘That kid is turning out to be a brat! Tarun and Karuna have no idea how to bring up a child with discipline…they spoil her rotten.’
Taken aback at the statement, Bani was silenced and then she ventured supportably of Anu, ‘She is just a baby…and so cute…our house comes alive whenever she visits us!’
Jai grimaced at some email he had read and punching his sliver Macintosh with more ferocity, barked back, ‘Please remember, next time Anu comes over, my laptop is nowhere in her sight…the last time, she jumped over it and there was a crack on the cover…I will make Tarun pay up if his daughter breaks anymore of my things.’
Though obviously Jai spoke without any malice and Bani knew how much he adored Anu, she got the idea that he was in too bad a mood to discuss anything apart from his work, least of all children.
Bani looked so disappointed with the turn of conversation, that she said a very half-hearted goodnight to Jai and tried to sleep, putting off the table lamp on her side of the bed.
She felt his strong forearm wrap around her waist after some 2 hours or so, but she was too groggy to be awake, Jai lurched forward and planted a very quick and light kiss on her cheeks and pulled the duvet to cover Bani properly and then switched off his side of the Table lamp and went to sleep.
So much for conceiving a baby!
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The next day, Bani called her school to state that she was coming in late and decide that morning was always a good time to speak reasonably to her husband.
Bringing him his coffee, she sat near the side of the bed and very lovingly patted his hair, which she noticed with concern, was graying on the ends. Though it admittedly made him look even more handsome than he already was, it indicated to Bani, that though she might still be very young, her husband’s biological clock was fast ticking away.
With that thought, she kept nudging Jai till he looked up bleary eyed and extremely sleepy from the pillow where he had his face buried and said, ‘Wazzz…’ and once again went back to sleep.
Not finding much response this way, she leaned forward to plant a long, soft kiss on his ears, hoping that the lingering fragrance from her freshly washed hair will do its magic, the way it normally did.
Jai pushed back the wet hair from the side of his face, muttering something in irritation and said, ‘Lemme sleep…’
Ignoring his protests, she kept nudging and tickling him, till Jai turned on his back and looking at Bani with half-closed eyes said, ‘What is it Bani? Why are you pestering me like this?’
Annoyed, she replied, ‘I never say anything when I want to sleep and you won’t let me…’
‘So is this the revenge for that? Not now, sweetheart…I slept at 2 at night…I have a meeting at 10 followed by a killing day…please switch off the lights and go to the kitchen or something.’
Saying that, he covered his head with the duvet again, now really upsetting Bani, who pulled it back from his head and said, ‘No, I won’t go to the kitchen…get something to eat on your own from the Office.’ Saying that she sat in a huff, hoping that Jai would get angry at this outburst and at least get up and listen to her. But to no avail, all Jai gave her was a sleepy smile and said, ‘Okay…No problem! Just wake me up before you leave for school.’
Not getting her way, Bani stamped her feet in frustration and said desperately, ‘I want something from you.’
With his head buried inside the duvet, his voice came out muffled and disinterested, ‘Sure, buy anything you want. Take the American Express Black Card from my wallet, just in case.’
Infuriated beyond control, Bani had tears springing up in the corners of her eyes and she said in a choked voice, ‘Your American Express Black Card cannot buy everything, you know.’
‘It can…or that is what my Relationship Banker told me. Now leave, Bani…Please!’ he yelled back.
Pinching his bare back, Bani went out sulking and when Jai finally came downstairs for Breakfast, frowned some more, marring her beautiful face.
‘Did I marry you so that you can look like Cruella De Ville? And what was the big rush about in the morning?’
Keeping the Mug of Coffee with a loud clank on the table, Bani made a face and refused to comply, hoping that he would come running and try to cheer her up, when she can put in the pitch for a Junior Jai or Junior Bani.
Ignoring her very obvious annoyance or something, Jai picked up his Financial Times, handed over to him by Bhavesh and started checking the share prices of some of his investments.
Irritated at being ignored by him, she pulled the paper out of his hand and said, ‘You can read this when you are driving down to Office…I wanted to speak with you in the morning but you were too busy sleeping.’
‘Oh, Bani…stop nagging me all the time…you are turning out to be just like your Mother…’
‘Don’t you start on my family now…’ Bani stared at him with her wide eyes and sat huffily on a chair besides him, while Jai started laughing.
‘So princess consort, why these temper tantrums in the morning?’
‘I had been wanting to say something to you since yesterday night, but you seem to have time for everything, except me.’
Jai picked up the newspaper again from her hand and said in a good-humored but absent manner, ‘Speak then!’
Bani hesitated for a while but knowing that any subtlety would be lost upon her husband, she said directly, ‘I want a baby.’
Jai wrinkled his brow as he checked the latest price of a share he had brought last week and frowned in disapproval, replying absently, ‘Who’s baby?’
Frustrated, Bani took a deep breath and said, ‘obviously our baby! Why would I ask for someone else’s child?’
This time, Jai did look up and with raised eyebrows, eyes sparkling with amusement and he said slowly, ‘Okaayyyyy…sounds reasonable enough.’
Bani flushed at the look he gave her and quickly lowered her head, pretending to pour some more Coffee for him, clanking the crockery to hide her nervousness. Jai laughed shortly looking at her fumble in front of him, and keeping a warm hand on her shaking one, made her look up and said, ‘I will do anything to keep you happy Bani…if you want to make a cricket team…I am all game for it!’ (Actually with JW, nothing is impossible...)
She flushed some more and they both broke down laughing, Bani kept her head on his knees and rubbing her soft hair with his fingers, he said seriously, ‘But where did you get this sudden inspiration to become a Mother from?’
She looked up and said, ‘I work with children…I have lived in a family with two younger siblings and hordes and hordes of little cousins…and now I see Anu almost every week…it was always in the back of my mind.’
Checking his watch, he got up saying that he was getting late and she went inside to prepare breakfast for him.
Going up to lay out his clothes, Bani smiled shyly at Jai, when he came out of the bathroom, water dripping from his hair as usual. She took the towel and dried it for him, till Jai held her tightly from her waist and quipped, ‘When do you think we should embark on this venture…you know future Walia’s?’
Bani giggled and said mischievously, ‘As soon as possible.’
Pulling her in a sudden jolt and pushing her down on the bed, he said, ‘I have exactly 20 minutes to spare now…and as your mother always said, “Shubh kaam mein deri kaisi…”
In between uncontrollable laughter and giggles, Bani tried to shout and wriggle her way out of Jai’s arms, but he had his way as usual and later got some extremely baleful glances from his board of directors when he arrived 40 minutes late to the Office.
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Bani was so excited with the thought of becoming a Mother, one evening she went to a famous bookshop and brought every possible book on Pregnancy, Childbirth, Conception and everything related to the Reproduction process.
Jai never had the end of teasing her when one night he saw her hiding, ‘Dr. Spock’s Pregnancy Handbook inside a Webster Dictionary and reading it in stealth.’
Bani who generally always complained of how exhausted Jai always made her feel, now looked all fresh and ready to go every time they made love. Which for some reason, Jai found extremely funny and amusing.
One evening, Jai came out very late and feeling quite worn out, and then noticed that Bani was dressed in her best lacy nightgown and had spread the best Egyptian cotton bedsheet on their bed and dimmed all the lights in the room, setting up an extremely romantic atmosphere.
Like a dutiful wife that she was, Bani quelled all thoughts of having s** (which according to her was only necessary to produce an off-spring, if she enjoyed being with Jai, she never ever admitted to it, not in front of him at least!) and very coyly set about giving him is night clothes and bringing his medicines and water before retiring to sleep.
Jai had to bite his lips to avoid laughing out loud, looking at Bani’s complete game-plan to have a baby and he said, ‘You know Bani…this is like my best fantasy come true…’
She was fluffing his pillow and looking up at him, said innocently, ‘What?’
Grinning wickedly at her, Jai said, ‘Coming back home to see that my pure and chaste innocent wife is setting the stage to molest me…’
Saying that he threw his head back and laughed uproariously, more because of the expression that Bani had and less because of his own joke, till she kept hitting him with the pillows, laughing alongside him.
He pushed her back on the bed, pinning her hands behind her head with his one arm and taking her chin in his fingers, drawing her close to his mouth and gave a long, hard, lingering kiss and ruthlessly tearing open the lacy straps of her gown.
‘Now if this doesn’t get you pregnant, god knows what will…’ :In Love:came his hoarse voice, before he jabbed the table lamp and the room dipped in darkness.
8 Months Later
Jai was at the breakfast table, his head buried in the Financial Times and getting pieces of fruits popped inside his mouth by Bani, who was constantly complaining about how much time he takes to eat and unless she made him eat forcibly, he would probably remain hungry throughout the day. Jai kept making agreeable sounds, as if he was listening to every word that she was saying, but his mind was completely occupied by the rising stocks of one of the Companies he had just taken over.
When Jai finished his breakfast, handing over his leather-case and a whole bunch of stuff to read during the journey from home to Office over to his driver, Hari Singh, he saw a look of acute tension and sadness on Bani’s face. In fact, he had been noticing for the past few days, how quiet she had become and many times, seemed lost and disoriented. He had been wanting to speak to her on this, assuming that she must be having some problem at her school, but for some reason or the other, it had kept slipping out of his mind.
As she helped him wear his blazer, he noticed how suddenly she had hushed up and was looking strangely pensive and preoccupied. Putting his palm on her cheeks, he lifted her face so that she could look in his eyes and said in a tender voice, ‘What’s wrong, Bani?’
Somehow the tenderness and deep concern in the simple sentence, broke down her defenses and her eyes welled up with tears, which she tried to wipe immediately, turning herself away from Jai.
Ignoring his buzzing blackberry, Jai held her by both her shoulders and turned her to face him, now with panic in his voice, ‘What happened sweetheart? Did someone say anything to you? At work? Or you feeling ill? Should we go to the Doctor? Bani…stop crying…please! You are really scaring me now.’
She kept weeping like a child and kept her head on his chest, he held her tightly in his arms and patted the back of her head lovingly, saying, ‘Then tell me, what’s wrong? Come on, if you don’t discuss with me, who else then?’
Stopping her tears with great difficulty, she looked up at him and said in a choked voice, ‘its more than 8 months now…I…I haven’t conceived yet.’
He kept staring at her for some time, relief seeping in through every pore of his body and picking up his blackberry again, he pulled her cheeks affectionately and said, ‘So that is why this Ganga Jamuna? God…and I had my BP falling down wondering what is wrong with you…’
Bani looked upset now and sniffing back, said, ‘Isn’t this something to worry about? 8 Months is a very long time.’
Rolling his eyes, Jai replied back, ‘Well, I am not a Doctor or Medical professional, but as far as my knowledge goes, conceiving can take up to 2 years also…and there is nothing seemingly wrong with both of us…so why is the need to take so much stress?’
Looking at her and realizing that his explanation had not eased her even one bit, he said in a placatory tone, ‘Fine…this Sunday…No…I think I have a Golf Session with one of my oldest clients…can’t cut that out…Okay, next Sunday…lets go to our Doc and get a check-up done…no harm in it…will that relieve you?’
She had stopped crying completely and looked a bit cheered up at the thought of getting a Medical opinion and said hesitantly, ‘Thanks…that would make me feel so much better…but can’t we do it earlier?’
Jai scratched his head, wondering how he could fit a fertility test in his chockablock schedule and then looking at his wife’s pathetic, sad face, his heart immediately melted some more and he said, ‘Okay fine…tomorrow! I will tell Gloria to fix an appointment with Dr. Mathur…she is the best we have in Mumbai. Now cheer up and when I come back home, tonight, I want you see you in that s**y red nighty you have…all lace and satin.’
Bani gave him an impetuous look and said, ‘You tore it…’
Jai said in an apparently bewildered voice, ‘Oh…then wear anything but that horrible yellow gown with strawberries printed all over…’ (Yes, I took inspiration from KS, where PD used to wear that awful looking gown right after marriage...no wonder, JW never gave her a second look!)
Bani said in a wounded voice, ‘I love that nighty…Ma gifted it to me.’
Jai popped a grape into Bani’s mouth and quipped wickedly, ‘You are always wearing that monstrosity…no wonder, I am not able to get you preggers…’
Bani squealed and laughed, hitting Jai on his chest, till he leaned forward and kissed her goodbye.
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Jai and Bani had a lengthy pre-check up talk with Dr. Simran Mathur, who was one of India’s leading Fertility specialist and then proceeded to take a couple of routine tests the coming weekend, during which, much to Jai’s disappointment and Bani’s amusement, they had to abstain from any physical contact.
At night, while retiring for sleep, Jai murmured in irritation, ‘This is so idiotic…5 whole days…are they planning an immaculate conception for you?’
Bani giggled in response and then snatching his laptop from him, stacked up a game of Rummy and proceeded to beat Jai 5 times in a row, till he flung all the cards on the carpet in frustration and if nothing else, got to kiss Bani furiously all over.
The few days following the fertility tests were very tough for Bani and she kept having a sixth intuition that something wrong will happen. Jai, even though extremely occupied by work, tried his best to keep her spirits up and was as loving and caring as ever.
Bani was lying on Jai’s chest, running her fingers in circles, obviously lost in thought, while Jai was jabbing some emails on his blackberry, holding Bani in one arm and the phone in another.
She spoke out of the blue, in a heavy voice, ‘What if something goes wrong? What if I am not able to have a baby?’
Jai answered in an absent manner, ‘I will immediately marry again and then my new wife and I will make you an unpaid slave and you will be cooking and cleaning for us the whole day long, while we have a great time.’
Bani lifted her head and looking at Jai, his expression dead-pan, as he kept sending and receiving emails. They both burst out laughing raucously, till tears were streaming down Bani’s cheeks.
Pushing her gently down on the bed, he lifted himself up to cover her side and said in a soft voice, ‘It won’t make any difference to me…not one bit…I consider myself the luckiest man in the world…to have got a wife like you…anything else is a bonus…but you are the capital and principal amount of my life.’
And then added with humor, ‘I spoke like a true Financial wizard!’
Bani felt so touched, that she cried some more and spoke in a heartfelt manner, ‘But everyone needs a child to bind them closer…’
He lifted a tendril off her cheeks and pushed hit back behind her ears, ‘A child in our life would be a blessing, no doubt about it…but it will be a result of our love, Bani…Not the reason of it.’
She lay gazing at him with profound love and devotion; he swept her up into his arms so that she lay captive against him, her ugly strawberry printed gown sweeping down from his embrace. The dim room lights lit his eyes and she could see the iron grip of control he still held on himself. She reached up with her arms; brought his lips to hers so that she could surrender, felt the crush of her soft B****s against his hard chest.
4 Weeks Later
Jai couldn’t even place the call, when his secretary Gloria interrupted him in the middle of a meeting he was having with his lawyer and said that, Dr. Mathur wanted to speak with him.
Jai had a hurried conversation on the phone with the Doctor and with great hesitation agreed to come down and meet her in the evening at her clinic. He assumed that the results must have come out and since she knew the Walia’s personally, she would have wanted to hand them over on her own. Jai had to review a couple of project reports the following evening and he hoped that his meeting with Dr. Mathur will be rushed and he would be able to come back to Office and complete his work.
Jai hardly noticed Dr. Mathur entering her room, where Jai was already waiting for her, sending emails in that little time he had to wait in the room. They both greeted each other warmly and casually checked on their common acquaintances.
Jai, who was obviously in a hurry to leave, looked up and said politely, ‘Um…I assume you have the reports on you…hope everything is in order.’
Dr. Mathur kept quiet and looked at him, while he continued unmindful, ‘My wife has been getting really worked up about this whole pregnancy thing…I wouldn’t have even thought about getting the tests done, but just wanted to put her at ease.’
Suddenly noticing how silent and grim the kind-faced Doctor looked, Jai spoke with a tremor in his voice, ‘Is everything fine, Dr. Mathur?’
She shrugged her head and said simply, ‘I am sorry Jai…Bani cannot become a Mother.’
Jai stared at her as if he hadn’t heard her clearly and ignoring his buzzing blackberry, he spoke finally, ‘Excuse me?’
Dr. Mathur spoke with professional detachment yet there was a softness in her voice, ‘Its an open and shut case…she has a serious hormonal problem…the medical term is Endometriosis…even if she undergoes the best available fertility treatments, which I know that you can very well afford…she will still have less than a 5% chance of conceiving.’
Jai sat still, too stunned to say anything or even offer a reaction.
Dr. Mathur continued, ‘I have examined all the possible options…and consulted some of my colleagues working in the US…everyone has more or less the same opinion…you can definitely opt for the various fertility treatments that are available…but in my opinion, it won’t lead to much...apart from bringing a lot of mental agony to both of you, especially Bani.’
Jai heaved a deep, long sigh and buried his face in the palm of his hands, shaking it in disbelief. This was the last thing he had expected….how was he ever going to tell this to Bani…the little idea that had gathered in her mind a few months ago, to become a Mother…had turned into an obsession for her now…and to go and tell her that her dream would never become a reality was akin to slaughtering her with his own hands.
‘She will never be able to take this…’ Jai murmured, not even aware that Dr. Mathur was in the room.
The doctor spoke compassionately, ‘Jai…you have to be brave and give courage to your wife too. This is not the end of the world…I understand that every married couple aspire to become parent’s…that a natural progression to their relationship…but if God wills something else, then its only right, that you accept it with grace.’
Jai forgot all about going back to Office and after sending Hari Singh home, drove aimlessly around Mumbai, Dr. Mathur’s words still ringing in his head.
Sure he was extremely disappointed and dejected at hearing that he wont’ be able to become a Father…but what caused the deep fear in his heart was Bani’s reaction to it. Life would go on for Jai, as long as Bani was there for him…the disappointment of not having someone to carry his name would always be there…but he knew that the love he shared with Bani could overcome everything…even the absence of a child.
But he could not say the same for Bani. She obviously loved him from the depths of her heart and had centered her life and happiness around him, yet he knew very well, how important a family was to her…a child especially…someone to call her a Mother…
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By the time, he reached home, his heart was heavy with the impending gloom that was going to spread out like a fog in Bani’s life and his steps faltered when he walked inside his home.
Bani who had been waiting for him eagerly, knowing that he had come straight from Dr. Mathur’s Office, handed over a glass of water and trying very badly to hide her eagerness, said, ‘So?’
He gave a faint smile at her and keeping the glass of water on the table said, ‘There’s bad news and good news. Which one do you want to hear first?’
The smile completely faded out of Bani’s eyes and she spoke in a small voice, ‘Bad news? Tell me both…’
Jai closed his eyes and prepared to tell the first lie of his life, ‘The good news is that, you can become a Mother…’
Bani kept staring at Jai, who for some reason, was not able to look back into her eyes and he said with in a strangled voice, ‘And the bad news is that, I can’t be the father of your child.’
They kept sitting in silence, till Bani got up quietly and said, ‘You have said this now…but don’t ever use such words again…If I can’t become the Mother of your child…then I don’t even want to think of becoming a Mother ever.’
Jai got up and hugged Bani, till she put her head on his chest and blinked her eyes rapidly to stop her tears from flowing.
It must have been around 1 at night, that Jai felt the soft sobs emanating from Bani, who was sleeping with her back turned to him. He waited for a moment and then placed his arms gently around her body and turned her to face him, even in the dark, he could see, how much she had been crying.
Assuming that she was heartbroken over the fact that he won’t be able to Father a child, Jai begin to apologize, till she closed her eyes in pain and opening them, looked into him and said, ‘You really think, you could get away with such a big lie?’
Jai kept staring at her, shell-shocked.
‘Even before you said a single word, I could read your eyes…you lied so that not to hurt me, isn’t it?’
Jai had gotten up and switched on the table lamp and begin to explain, ‘Bani…listen…’
She kept crying and said, ‘I know that the good news is you…and the bad news is me…’
For the first time in years, Jai felt his own eyes welling up and even though he wanted to hug his wife tight and hold her back from her every fear and grief, he was unable to do so.
All he could say in a defeated voice was, ‘I am sorry…’
She broke down crying in a heart-broken manner, till Jai couldn’t stand it anymore and pulling her roughly towards him, held her with all the ferocity and protectiveness he could garner.
‘I said this earlier…I am saying it again…it makes no difference to our marriage, Bani…I love you just as much…even more now.’
And then he took her tear-stained face in his hands, planted a light kiss on her cheeks, when she noticed with shock that his own eyes were a burning red and held her in his arms, till she felt into a deep, emotionally exhausted Sleep.
Even before the Car had parked, Karuna’s 5 year old daughter, Anu came rushing outside the house and tottered all the way across the lawns, yelling with delight, ‘Mami…Mami…’
Bani gave a brilliant smile at the angelic girl and swooped her lovingly into her arms, smothering her with innumerous kisses all over her chubby face.
‘How is my sweetie cutie? Aww…you look so nice in this pinafore dress, Anu…who got it for you? Mummy or Daddy?’
Anu’s eyes twinkled in delight at the compliment and she said in her sing-song voice, ‘Mamu gave it…’
Bani smiled and asked, ‘Which Mamu?’
Anu kept a rounded finger on her cheeks in a great show of thought and said, ‘Your Mamu…’ referring to Jai.
Bani laughed in response and carried her inside, to be met with an ecstatic Karuna, who hugged her Bhabhi and then immediately launched a complaint over how she and Jai Bhaiyya never visited her more often.
Seating Bani in her room, Karuna ordered some tea and snacks for her, while chatting up and catching with news.
Bani smiled as she noticed that even though Karuna was talking to Bani, her whole attention was focused on little Anu and making her eat a mashed banana which she refused to even smell.
‘So Bhabhi, how was your holiday in Sydney…Anu…don’t do that…you will ruin your dress..’
Bani grinned and said, ‘We went to Cote d Azur in the South of France…not Sydney.’
Karuna did a ‘Ooooh’ and said, ‘Wow…that must have been beautiful, Bhabhi…ANU…eat this fruit right now, else you won’t get any of the chocolate that your Mami just gave you…’
Anu made a protesting noise and said, ‘Its yucky…’
In-between trying to force-feed her, Karuna went on conversationally, ‘You are so lucky Bhabhi…who could have imagined Jai Bhaiyya to be romantic enough to go to such a place…’
Both the women began laughing on this and Bani’s attention was once again taken by Anu, who was trying ever tactic in the book to avoid eating the gooey Banana and get her hands on the wafer chocolates that Bani had brought for her.
‘You know…Tarun and I had planned a holiday to New Zealand when Anu was 2…but we had to cancel at the nth hour, because she came up with Measles…and can you believe, we haven’t been on a proper vacation since then?’
Bani gave a faint smile realizing that even though Karuna was complaining, her voice held a strange sort of pride…the pride that a Mother has for her responsibility and duty towards her child, for which any sacrifice is no sacrifice at all.
Karuna who was holding Anu in her lap and trying to pour the mashed fruit into her mouth, messing her own clothes in the process, getting her hair pulled by Anu and soiling the bed sheet simultaneously went on, ‘Its really tough to plan a holiday with a child…now we only go to nearby places which are really child friendly…Tarun wanted to go to Aspen this summer for skiing…men are so unpractical, isn’t it Bhabhi. Skiing indeed…with a child of 5!’ She laughed on her own words and finally gave up on Anu, excusing herself from the room, to get some other fruit for her daughter to eat.
As soon as Karuna had gone out of the room, Anu came rushing to Bani and sitting on her lap, fingered her jewelry, playing as usual with her black-beaded Mangalsutra, which for some reason fascinated Anu. Bani smoothed the curly hair which made ringlets around the child’s rounded cheeks and wiped her mouth for traces of the rejected mashed banana food and suddenly found her eyes to be full of tears.
Just holding her in her lap and touching the soft baby skin, looking at the innocent eyes and trying to give answers to her unanswerable questions, Bani felt such a terrible pang in her heart, that she felt completely overwhelmed by the sensation.
By the time, Karuna came back, holding a bowl of stewed apple, which seemed to agree with little Anu’s taste-buds, she noticed the look of thoughtfulness on Bani’s face and asked softly, ‘What happened Bhabhi? You look so lost...is everything okay?’
Bani kept quiet for some time, taking the bowl of apple from Karuna and feeding Anu herself and asked frankly, ‘Do you like being a Mother?’
Karuna stared at Bani for some time in bewilderment at the question and a warm smile covered her face. Giving a look at Anu, she said with a deep conviction ringing in her voice, ‘More than anything else in the world.’
Bani smiled at the answer and asked again, ‘And Tarunji?’
Karuna laughed at this and wiping Anu’s face, thankful that she had eaten the last morsel of the stewed apple, said, ‘His day starts with Anu jumping up and down on his chest and his day ends when he recites her a bedtimes story before putting her to sleep…even if he can barely open his eyes.’
Bani kept quiet, lost in her thoughts, letting Anu play once again with her jewelry and then Karuna who had been staring at Bani in a curious manner, let out a knowing smile and said, ‘Please tell me that you are making me a Bua very soon!’
Bani blushed, suddenly awoken from her thoughts and Anu catching up immediately, looked at her Mother and then at Bani and said, ‘How will Mami make you a Bua, Mom?’
Bani went pink all over her face, bending it to hide her embarrassment and Karuna kept giggling in response.
After shoving off Anu with great difficulty out of the room with the maid, Karuna spoke with confidentiality, ‘Bhabhi…are you and Bhaiyya planning a family?’
Bani lowered her head, feeling her cheeks inflame and just nodded her head in muted response, indicating nothing.
Holding her arm, Karuna said, ‘Oh come on Bhabhi…you are too shy! What is there to be so embarrassed about it? We are both married…we both know how babies are made…come on now, be frank with me!’
Bani regretted entering the conversation and tried to find a way out, but to no avail.
Reluctantly she said in a low voice, ‘We haven’t discussed it at all…’
Karuna tossed her head and said, ‘What is there to discuss? It’s just a matter of a couple of nights without protection and wham…there you have a pregnancy…and 9 months later, there you have a baby! Simple.’ Karuna made it sound just about as simple as buying some vegetables from the grocer.
If what Bani felt till now was just awkwardness, now it turned to full blown mortification, further fuelled by Karuna’s incessant teasing.
Flustering, Bani tried to get up and said, ‘I should be getting home now…your Bhaiyya will be back and he gets really upsets if I am not around…’
Forcing Bani to sit down again, she waved her hand and said, ‘Oh come on…you told me on arrival that Bhaiyya will be coming back home late tonight…now tell me about this whole, “We haven’t yet discussed it” scenario?’
Giving up trying to dodge Karuna’s questioning, Bani complied and spoke with shy frankness, ‘I don’t know what you Bhaiyya thinks on this…he has never brought up this topic…’
‘You always place his opinion, his view, his judgment in the forefront…What about you? After all you are the one who will be carrying the child for nine months and screaming your guts out when you go into labor! And please don’t even get me started on the never-ending feeds, waking up at 3 in the morning and changing the diaper…teething…colic…’
Bani did not look petrified with all that she had heard, in stead she smiled and said, ‘But still, what you get in the end more than makes it up, isn’t it?’
Karuna gave a warm smile and agreed, ‘Oh yes, it does…the feeling that a woman has, when her child is handed over in her arms by the Doctor for the first time is something so magical, so divine, that one has to experience it….to really know it.’
Bani looked lost in deep thought, till Karuna interrupted gently and said, ‘If Bhaiyya hasn’t brought it up, then you speak to him…Bhabhi, take my words…you are just born to be a Mother…just look at the way you fuss around your husband…and I can imagine the love and care you will invest in your child…’
And then added teasingly, ‘And just think, once you have this baby…you can actually get away with an excuse to go off to sleep early…’
Bani got up at once, trying to hide her grin and said, ‘I get the point…now I have to leave…Hari Singhji has been waiting for so long…he has to go and pick up your Bhaiyya also.’
Hugging Karuna with a goodbye and making several promises to a weepy-faced Anu that she will surely stay back one day and sleep in her room and tell her a hundred stories, Bani set out for home…with an idea that was fast becoming an obsession.
Walia Mansion (Aka...The Lion's Den
)It was close to eleven at night when Jai finally came back home and unfortunately for Bani, in a thunderous mood, following a very heated argument with the client.
‘The bloody man…what does he think he is? Trying to act smart with me…he will know what he is up against…’ Muttering expletives under his breath, Jai all but tore the tie from his neck, till Bani came nervously near him and pulled it off.
He kept abusing the client and a host of other people, till Bani managed to calm him down a bit and offered some Nimbu Paani and very caringly got him out clothes to wear to the bed and made some soothing noises, agreeing to everything that Jai had just said.
By the time, Bani came back from the washroom after changing into what was her s**iest night clothes and sat next to him coyly, Jai had already taken out his laptop and was furiously jabbing some emails, not even aware of his wife right next to him on the Bed.
‘Ahem…’ she coughed, drawing herself closer to Jai, who was sitting in the upright position, wearing his specs and peering with great concentration and irritation writ on his face.
Not one to give up so easily, she edged even closer, till he gave a partly annoyed look at her and said, ‘Bani, don’t stick to me like this…I am not able to type.’
She kept still for sometime, wondering if she should just give up for tonight and go to sleep, bringing up the topic of a baby when he was in a better mood, or maybe bring the topic up and his black mood might just undergo a change.
She began bashfully, ‘I had gone to Karuna Didi’s place today…Anu was wearing the pinafore dress you brought for her from London.’
Without taking his eyes off the laptop, Jai gave an absent nod and said, ‘How is Karuna? I haven’t seen her for ages.’
‘She is fine…so busy with Anu…you should have seen her throwing a fuss eating her evening snack…’ Bani said with apparent affection, hoping that brining up his darling niece’s name will evoke some kind of a buried paternal emotion in Jai.
Unexpectedly, Jai snapped, ‘That kid is turning out to be a brat! Tarun and Karuna have no idea how to bring up a child with discipline…they spoil her rotten.’
Taken aback at the statement, Bani was silenced and then she ventured supportably of Anu, ‘She is just a baby…and so cute…our house comes alive whenever she visits us!’
Jai grimaced at some email he had read and punching his sliver Macintosh with more ferocity, barked back, ‘Please remember, next time Anu comes over, my laptop is nowhere in her sight…the last time, she jumped over it and there was a crack on the cover…I will make Tarun pay up if his daughter breaks anymore of my things.’
Though obviously Jai spoke without any malice and Bani knew how much he adored Anu, she got the idea that he was in too bad a mood to discuss anything apart from his work, least of all children.
Bani looked so disappointed with the turn of conversation, that she said a very half-hearted goodnight to Jai and tried to sleep, putting off the table lamp on her side of the bed.
She felt his strong forearm wrap around her waist after some 2 hours or so, but she was too groggy to be awake, Jai lurched forward and planted a very quick and light kiss on her cheeks and pulled the duvet to cover Bani properly and then switched off his side of the Table lamp and went to sleep.
So much for conceiving a baby!
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The next day, Bani called her school to state that she was coming in late and decide that morning was always a good time to speak reasonably to her husband.
Bringing him his coffee, she sat near the side of the bed and very lovingly patted his hair, which she noticed with concern, was graying on the ends. Though it admittedly made him look even more handsome than he already was, it indicated to Bani, that though she might still be very young, her husband’s biological clock was fast ticking away.
With that thought, she kept nudging Jai till he looked up bleary eyed and extremely sleepy from the pillow where he had his face buried and said, ‘Wazzz…’ and once again went back to sleep.
Not finding much response this way, she leaned forward to plant a long, soft kiss on his ears, hoping that the lingering fragrance from her freshly washed hair will do its magic, the way it normally did.
Jai pushed back the wet hair from the side of his face, muttering something in irritation and said, ‘Lemme sleep…’
Ignoring his protests, she kept nudging and tickling him, till Jai turned on his back and looking at Bani with half-closed eyes said, ‘What is it Bani? Why are you pestering me like this?’
Annoyed, she replied, ‘I never say anything when I want to sleep and you won’t let me…’
‘So is this the revenge for that? Not now, sweetheart…I slept at 2 at night…I have a meeting at 10 followed by a killing day…please switch off the lights and go to the kitchen or something.’
Saying that, he covered his head with the duvet again, now really upsetting Bani, who pulled it back from his head and said, ‘No, I won’t go to the kitchen…get something to eat on your own from the Office.’ Saying that she sat in a huff, hoping that Jai would get angry at this outburst and at least get up and listen to her. But to no avail, all Jai gave her was a sleepy smile and said, ‘Okay…No problem! Just wake me up before you leave for school.’
Not getting her way, Bani stamped her feet in frustration and said desperately, ‘I want something from you.’
With his head buried inside the duvet, his voice came out muffled and disinterested, ‘Sure, buy anything you want. Take the American Express Black Card from my wallet, just in case.’
Infuriated beyond control, Bani had tears springing up in the corners of her eyes and she said in a choked voice, ‘Your American Express Black Card cannot buy everything, you know.’
‘It can…or that is what my Relationship Banker told me. Now leave, Bani…Please!’ he yelled back.
Pinching his bare back, Bani went out sulking and when Jai finally came downstairs for Breakfast, frowned some more, marring her beautiful face.
‘Did I marry you so that you can look like Cruella De Ville? And what was the big rush about in the morning?’
Keeping the Mug of Coffee with a loud clank on the table, Bani made a face and refused to comply, hoping that he would come running and try to cheer her up, when she can put in the pitch for a Junior Jai or Junior Bani.
Ignoring her very obvious annoyance or something, Jai picked up his Financial Times, handed over to him by Bhavesh and started checking the share prices of some of his investments.
Irritated at being ignored by him, she pulled the paper out of his hand and said, ‘You can read this when you are driving down to Office…I wanted to speak with you in the morning but you were too busy sleeping.’
‘Oh, Bani…stop nagging me all the time…you are turning out to be just like your Mother…’
‘Don’t you start on my family now…’ Bani stared at him with her wide eyes and sat huffily on a chair besides him, while Jai started laughing.
‘So princess consort, why these temper tantrums in the morning?’
‘I had been wanting to say something to you since yesterday night, but you seem to have time for everything, except me.’
Jai picked up the newspaper again from her hand and said in a good-humored but absent manner, ‘Speak then!’
Bani hesitated for a while but knowing that any subtlety would be lost upon her husband, she said directly, ‘I want a baby.’
Jai wrinkled his brow as he checked the latest price of a share he had brought last week and frowned in disapproval, replying absently, ‘Who’s baby?’
Frustrated, Bani took a deep breath and said, ‘obviously our baby! Why would I ask for someone else’s child?’
This time, Jai did look up and with raised eyebrows, eyes sparkling with amusement and he said slowly, ‘Okaayyyyy…sounds reasonable enough.’
Bani flushed at the look he gave her and quickly lowered her head, pretending to pour some more Coffee for him, clanking the crockery to hide her nervousness. Jai laughed shortly looking at her fumble in front of him, and keeping a warm hand on her shaking one, made her look up and said, ‘I will do anything to keep you happy Bani…if you want to make a cricket team…I am all game for it!’ (Actually with JW, nothing is impossible...)
She flushed some more and they both broke down laughing, Bani kept her head on his knees and rubbing her soft hair with his fingers, he said seriously, ‘But where did you get this sudden inspiration to become a Mother from?’
She looked up and said, ‘I work with children…I have lived in a family with two younger siblings and hordes and hordes of little cousins…and now I see Anu almost every week…it was always in the back of my mind.’
Checking his watch, he got up saying that he was getting late and she went inside to prepare breakfast for him.
Going up to lay out his clothes, Bani smiled shyly at Jai, when he came out of the bathroom, water dripping from his hair as usual. She took the towel and dried it for him, till Jai held her tightly from her waist and quipped, ‘When do you think we should embark on this venture…you know future Walia’s?’
Bani giggled and said mischievously, ‘As soon as possible.’
Pulling her in a sudden jolt and pushing her down on the bed, he said, ‘I have exactly 20 minutes to spare now…and as your mother always said, “Shubh kaam mein deri kaisi…”
In between uncontrollable laughter and giggles, Bani tried to shout and wriggle her way out of Jai’s arms, but he had his way as usual and later got some extremely baleful glances from his board of directors when he arrived 40 minutes late to the Office.
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Bani was so excited with the thought of becoming a Mother, one evening she went to a famous bookshop and brought every possible book on Pregnancy, Childbirth, Conception and everything related to the Reproduction process.
Jai never had the end of teasing her when one night he saw her hiding, ‘Dr. Spock’s Pregnancy Handbook inside a Webster Dictionary and reading it in stealth.’
Bani who generally always complained of how exhausted Jai always made her feel, now looked all fresh and ready to go every time they made love. Which for some reason, Jai found extremely funny and amusing.
One evening, Jai came out very late and feeling quite worn out, and then noticed that Bani was dressed in her best lacy nightgown and had spread the best Egyptian cotton bedsheet on their bed and dimmed all the lights in the room, setting up an extremely romantic atmosphere.
Like a dutiful wife that she was, Bani quelled all thoughts of having s** (which according to her was only necessary to produce an off-spring, if she enjoyed being with Jai, she never ever admitted to it, not in front of him at least!) and very coyly set about giving him is night clothes and bringing his medicines and water before retiring to sleep.
Jai had to bite his lips to avoid laughing out loud, looking at Bani’s complete game-plan to have a baby and he said, ‘You know Bani…this is like my best fantasy come true…’
She was fluffing his pillow and looking up at him, said innocently, ‘What?’
Grinning wickedly at her, Jai said, ‘Coming back home to see that my pure and chaste innocent wife is setting the stage to molest me…’
Saying that he threw his head back and laughed uproariously, more because of the expression that Bani had and less because of his own joke, till she kept hitting him with the pillows, laughing alongside him.
He pushed her back on the bed, pinning her hands behind her head with his one arm and taking her chin in his fingers, drawing her close to his mouth and gave a long, hard, lingering kiss and ruthlessly tearing open the lacy straps of her gown.
‘Now if this doesn’t get you pregnant, god knows what will…’ :In Love:came his hoarse voice, before he jabbed the table lamp and the room dipped in darkness.
8 Months Later
Jai was at the breakfast table, his head buried in the Financial Times and getting pieces of fruits popped inside his mouth by Bani, who was constantly complaining about how much time he takes to eat and unless she made him eat forcibly, he would probably remain hungry throughout the day. Jai kept making agreeable sounds, as if he was listening to every word that she was saying, but his mind was completely occupied by the rising stocks of one of the Companies he had just taken over.
When Jai finished his breakfast, handing over his leather-case and a whole bunch of stuff to read during the journey from home to Office over to his driver, Hari Singh, he saw a look of acute tension and sadness on Bani’s face. In fact, he had been noticing for the past few days, how quiet she had become and many times, seemed lost and disoriented. He had been wanting to speak to her on this, assuming that she must be having some problem at her school, but for some reason or the other, it had kept slipping out of his mind.
As she helped him wear his blazer, he noticed how suddenly she had hushed up and was looking strangely pensive and preoccupied. Putting his palm on her cheeks, he lifted her face so that she could look in his eyes and said in a tender voice, ‘What’s wrong, Bani?’
Somehow the tenderness and deep concern in the simple sentence, broke down her defenses and her eyes welled up with tears, which she tried to wipe immediately, turning herself away from Jai.
Ignoring his buzzing blackberry, Jai held her by both her shoulders and turned her to face him, now with panic in his voice, ‘What happened sweetheart? Did someone say anything to you? At work? Or you feeling ill? Should we go to the Doctor? Bani…stop crying…please! You are really scaring me now.’
She kept weeping like a child and kept her head on his chest, he held her tightly in his arms and patted the back of her head lovingly, saying, ‘Then tell me, what’s wrong? Come on, if you don’t discuss with me, who else then?’
Stopping her tears with great difficulty, she looked up at him and said in a choked voice, ‘its more than 8 months now…I…I haven’t conceived yet.’
He kept staring at her for some time, relief seeping in through every pore of his body and picking up his blackberry again, he pulled her cheeks affectionately and said, ‘So that is why this Ganga Jamuna? God…and I had my BP falling down wondering what is wrong with you…’
Bani looked upset now and sniffing back, said, ‘Isn’t this something to worry about? 8 Months is a very long time.’
Rolling his eyes, Jai replied back, ‘Well, I am not a Doctor or Medical professional, but as far as my knowledge goes, conceiving can take up to 2 years also…and there is nothing seemingly wrong with both of us…so why is the need to take so much stress?’
Looking at her and realizing that his explanation had not eased her even one bit, he said in a placatory tone, ‘Fine…this Sunday…No…I think I have a Golf Session with one of my oldest clients…can’t cut that out…Okay, next Sunday…lets go to our Doc and get a check-up done…no harm in it…will that relieve you?’
She had stopped crying completely and looked a bit cheered up at the thought of getting a Medical opinion and said hesitantly, ‘Thanks…that would make me feel so much better…but can’t we do it earlier?’
Jai scratched his head, wondering how he could fit a fertility test in his chockablock schedule and then looking at his wife’s pathetic, sad face, his heart immediately melted some more and he said, ‘Okay fine…tomorrow! I will tell Gloria to fix an appointment with Dr. Mathur…she is the best we have in Mumbai. Now cheer up and when I come back home, tonight, I want you see you in that s**y red nighty you have…all lace and satin.’
Bani gave him an impetuous look and said, ‘You tore it…’
Jai said in an apparently bewildered voice, ‘Oh…then wear anything but that horrible yellow gown with strawberries printed all over…’ (Yes, I took inspiration from KS, where PD used to wear that awful looking gown right after marriage...no wonder, JW never gave her a second look!
)Bani said in a wounded voice, ‘I love that nighty…Ma gifted it to me.’
Jai popped a grape into Bani’s mouth and quipped wickedly, ‘You are always wearing that monstrosity…no wonder, I am not able to get you preggers…’
Bani squealed and laughed, hitting Jai on his chest, till he leaned forward and kissed her goodbye.
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Jai and Bani had a lengthy pre-check up talk with Dr. Simran Mathur, who was one of India’s leading Fertility specialist and then proceeded to take a couple of routine tests the coming weekend, during which, much to Jai’s disappointment and Bani’s amusement, they had to abstain from any physical contact.
At night, while retiring for sleep, Jai murmured in irritation, ‘This is so idiotic…5 whole days…are they planning an immaculate conception for you?’
Bani giggled in response and then snatching his laptop from him, stacked up a game of Rummy and proceeded to beat Jai 5 times in a row, till he flung all the cards on the carpet in frustration and if nothing else, got to kiss Bani furiously all over.
The few days following the fertility tests were very tough for Bani and she kept having a sixth intuition that something wrong will happen. Jai, even though extremely occupied by work, tried his best to keep her spirits up and was as loving and caring as ever.
Bani was lying on Jai’s chest, running her fingers in circles, obviously lost in thought, while Jai was jabbing some emails on his blackberry, holding Bani in one arm and the phone in another.
She spoke out of the blue, in a heavy voice, ‘What if something goes wrong? What if I am not able to have a baby?’
Jai answered in an absent manner, ‘I will immediately marry again and then my new wife and I will make you an unpaid slave and you will be cooking and cleaning for us the whole day long, while we have a great time.’
Bani lifted her head and looking at Jai, his expression dead-pan, as he kept sending and receiving emails. They both burst out laughing raucously, till tears were streaming down Bani’s cheeks.
Pushing her gently down on the bed, he lifted himself up to cover her side and said in a soft voice, ‘It won’t make any difference to me…not one bit…I consider myself the luckiest man in the world…to have got a wife like you…anything else is a bonus…but you are the capital and principal amount of my life.’
And then added with humor, ‘I spoke like a true Financial wizard!’
Bani felt so touched, that she cried some more and spoke in a heartfelt manner, ‘But everyone needs a child to bind them closer…’
He lifted a tendril off her cheeks and pushed hit back behind her ears, ‘A child in our life would be a blessing, no doubt about it…but it will be a result of our love, Bani…Not the reason of it.’
She lay gazing at him with profound love and devotion; he swept her up into his arms so that she lay captive against him, her ugly strawberry printed gown sweeping down from his embrace. The dim room lights lit his eyes and she could see the iron grip of control he still held on himself. She reached up with her arms; brought his lips to hers so that she could surrender, felt the crush of her soft B****s against his hard chest.
4 Weeks Later
Jai couldn’t even place the call, when his secretary Gloria interrupted him in the middle of a meeting he was having with his lawyer and said that, Dr. Mathur wanted to speak with him.
Jai had a hurried conversation on the phone with the Doctor and with great hesitation agreed to come down and meet her in the evening at her clinic. He assumed that the results must have come out and since she knew the Walia’s personally, she would have wanted to hand them over on her own. Jai had to review a couple of project reports the following evening and he hoped that his meeting with Dr. Mathur will be rushed and he would be able to come back to Office and complete his work.
Jai hardly noticed Dr. Mathur entering her room, where Jai was already waiting for her, sending emails in that little time he had to wait in the room. They both greeted each other warmly and casually checked on their common acquaintances.
Jai, who was obviously in a hurry to leave, looked up and said politely, ‘Um…I assume you have the reports on you…hope everything is in order.’
Dr. Mathur kept quiet and looked at him, while he continued unmindful, ‘My wife has been getting really worked up about this whole pregnancy thing…I wouldn’t have even thought about getting the tests done, but just wanted to put her at ease.’
Suddenly noticing how silent and grim the kind-faced Doctor looked, Jai spoke with a tremor in his voice, ‘Is everything fine, Dr. Mathur?’
She shrugged her head and said simply, ‘I am sorry Jai…Bani cannot become a Mother.’
Jai stared at her as if he hadn’t heard her clearly and ignoring his buzzing blackberry, he spoke finally, ‘Excuse me?’
Dr. Mathur spoke with professional detachment yet there was a softness in her voice, ‘Its an open and shut case…she has a serious hormonal problem…the medical term is Endometriosis…even if she undergoes the best available fertility treatments, which I know that you can very well afford…she will still have less than a 5% chance of conceiving.’
Jai sat still, too stunned to say anything or even offer a reaction.
Dr. Mathur continued, ‘I have examined all the possible options…and consulted some of my colleagues working in the US…everyone has more or less the same opinion…you can definitely opt for the various fertility treatments that are available…but in my opinion, it won’t lead to much...apart from bringing a lot of mental agony to both of you, especially Bani.’
Jai heaved a deep, long sigh and buried his face in the palm of his hands, shaking it in disbelief. This was the last thing he had expected….how was he ever going to tell this to Bani…the little idea that had gathered in her mind a few months ago, to become a Mother…had turned into an obsession for her now…and to go and tell her that her dream would never become a reality was akin to slaughtering her with his own hands.
‘She will never be able to take this…’ Jai murmured, not even aware that Dr. Mathur was in the room.
The doctor spoke compassionately, ‘Jai…you have to be brave and give courage to your wife too. This is not the end of the world…I understand that every married couple aspire to become parent’s…that a natural progression to their relationship…but if God wills something else, then its only right, that you accept it with grace.’
Jai forgot all about going back to Office and after sending Hari Singh home, drove aimlessly around Mumbai, Dr. Mathur’s words still ringing in his head.
Sure he was extremely disappointed and dejected at hearing that he wont’ be able to become a Father…but what caused the deep fear in his heart was Bani’s reaction to it. Life would go on for Jai, as long as Bani was there for him…the disappointment of not having someone to carry his name would always be there…but he knew that the love he shared with Bani could overcome everything…even the absence of a child.
But he could not say the same for Bani. She obviously loved him from the depths of her heart and had centered her life and happiness around him, yet he knew very well, how important a family was to her…a child especially…someone to call her a Mother…
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By the time, he reached home, his heart was heavy with the impending gloom that was going to spread out like a fog in Bani’s life and his steps faltered when he walked inside his home.
Bani who had been waiting for him eagerly, knowing that he had come straight from Dr. Mathur’s Office, handed over a glass of water and trying very badly to hide her eagerness, said, ‘So?’
He gave a faint smile at her and keeping the glass of water on the table said, ‘There’s bad news and good news. Which one do you want to hear first?’
The smile completely faded out of Bani’s eyes and she spoke in a small voice, ‘Bad news? Tell me both…’
Jai closed his eyes and prepared to tell the first lie of his life, ‘The good news is that, you can become a Mother…’
Bani kept staring at Jai, who for some reason, was not able to look back into her eyes and he said with in a strangled voice, ‘And the bad news is that, I can’t be the father of your child.’
They kept sitting in silence, till Bani got up quietly and said, ‘You have said this now…but don’t ever use such words again…If I can’t become the Mother of your child…then I don’t even want to think of becoming a Mother ever.’
Jai got up and hugged Bani, till she put her head on his chest and blinked her eyes rapidly to stop her tears from flowing.
It must have been around 1 at night, that Jai felt the soft sobs emanating from Bani, who was sleeping with her back turned to him. He waited for a moment and then placed his arms gently around her body and turned her to face him, even in the dark, he could see, how much she had been crying.
Assuming that she was heartbroken over the fact that he won’t be able to Father a child, Jai begin to apologize, till she closed her eyes in pain and opening them, looked into him and said, ‘You really think, you could get away with such a big lie?’
Jai kept staring at her, shell-shocked.
‘Even before you said a single word, I could read your eyes…you lied so that not to hurt me, isn’t it?’
Jai had gotten up and switched on the table lamp and begin to explain, ‘Bani…listen…’
She kept crying and said, ‘I know that the good news is you…and the bad news is me…’
For the first time in years, Jai felt his own eyes welling up and even though he wanted to hug his wife tight and hold her back from her every fear and grief, he was unable to do so.
All he could say in a defeated voice was, ‘I am sorry…’
She broke down crying in a heart-broken manner, till Jai couldn’t stand it anymore and pulling her roughly towards him, held her with all the ferocity and protectiveness he could garner.
‘I said this earlier…I am saying it again…it makes no difference to our marriage, Bani…I love you just as much…even more now.’
And then he took her tear-stained face in his hands, planted a light kiss on her cheeks, when she noticed with shock that his own eyes were a burning red and held her in his arms, till she felt into a deep, emotionally exhausted Sleep.
Year 4 of Marriage – Part A
Jai closed the door of the bedroom behind him, only to notice that Bani was already asleep, with her body turned the other way, so that he couldn’t see her face. His night-clothes were laid out in a neat pile on his side of the bed, and a glass of water along with his medicines were kept on the Coffee Table. He stood near the bed, staring at her supposedly sleeping form, not once fooled by the fact that she was actually asleep, shrugging his head, picked up his clothes and changed into them.
When Bani felt the soft tapping of the keyboard, she gingerly opened her eyes, knowing that Jai was working on his laptop. She kept lying with her eyes open, staring in a vacant manner at the paisley pattern on the olive green carpet below, on which some of the light from Jai’s side lamp fell.
Jai, although kept tapping at his keyboard, was actually looking at Bani. He wondered who’s evil eye had fallen upon his once perfectly happy marriage and more sadly his once loving and much loved wife…probably his own.
Since the day Bani had come to know that she wouldn’t be able to conceive, there had been a subtle but definite change in her…from the once ever-cheerful and loving girl that she was, slowly, she became withdrawn, depressed and moody.
There was no change in her dedication towards Jai and she did everything as faithfully for him, as she had done since they had got married…but her heart was missing. And it showed clearly in everything.
Small but often important things were forgotten by her, food which used to taste divine if just touched by her hands, came out bland and insipid nowadays. Going out together had almost become a torture now, since Bani clearly hated socializing more than ever and just clammed up in front of others, making everyone, especially Jai feel extremely awkward. Even if it was a visit to Karuna or their close family friend, Aditya and Jigyasa’s house, Bani would never enter a single conversation and just stare listlessly at an inanimate object instead.
Between Jai and Bani, their s** life had all but become a drudgery, or that is what Jai felt every time, he tried to make love to Bani and all he got was an unresponsive and uninterested body and a clear absence of mind and heart.
As much as he tried to speak with her, cheer her up and lift her spirits, nothing seemed to work. Day by day, Bani was sinking in a whirlpool of depression and what’s more, taking Jai along with her.
It was close to 2 in the morning, when Jai finished his work and shutdown his laptop to catch a few hours of sleep before he had to leave for Office. He had been working tirelessly for the last few weeks, determined to wrap off a lot of his work prior to his schedule. No one except the people closest to him knew why he was so hell-bent on ruining his health by working so hard unnecessarily when things could have been done in the normal course of time.
2 Weeks Later
As soon as they walked out of the Airport, Jai looked up at the cloudless sky and uttered a silent prayer to the God in whom he had never really believed, that may this second honeymoon usher in some peace in Bani and quell her depression and restlessness and hopefully bring the same love and happiness in their marriage . They were in Florence for a week and only Jai knew how much he had to sacrifice to come for the holiday, leaving behind innumerous projects that were in pipeline, overworking himself to the maximum limits so that he might not be called upon while on his holiday, arranging everything in meticulous detail beforehand, so that his younger brother Nachiket wouldn’t face any crisis in his absence.
Jai knew that all of it would be worth the effort if only it could bring the intended result upon his wife. To see Bani so sad and heartbroken killed him and Jai had willed upon himself that come what may, he would never let her feel the absence of a child…that he would shower her life with so much love and so much happiness, that she would never miss being a Mother.
She stood expressionlessly as Jai looked around for the Hotel Car that was supposed to chauffer them from here to the Villa Olmi Resort, one of the most exclusive places to stay in all of Europe. Jai had flooded Bani with exotic pictures of the Resort and of the sightseeing attractions in and around Florence, to be met with a polite nod and a complete disinterest in her eyes. Jai had hoped that things would be different when they would both be alone together…it was nearly 2 years that they had gone on a holiday and Jai hoped this one would be a new beginning for both Bani and their unexpectedly moribund marriage.
When the Limousine drew up near the hills of Bagno a Ripoli, Jai who had travelled extensively all over the world felt that the brochures certainly did not do justice to the old Villa Estate that was now converted to a heritage hotel.
Surrounded by the lush greenery of centuries old park, the white-washed single structure building was set amongst luscious vineyards, offsetting the stark white façade with bright purple grapes and deep green leaves, that seemed to completely swathe the terrace of the Villa.
Enclosing Bani in his strong arm, Jai pulled her towards him and said softly, ‘Isn’t it beautiful? Just like a dream…’
She gave an absent smile in response and lightly shrugging off Jai’s arms, walked inside the cool, marble interiors, dying to get to her room and catch some sleep, since she had been unable to get any in the long flight from Mumbai to Rome and then another connecting flight to Florence.
By the time, Jai completed the check-in formalities and made some quick phone calls back home to ensure that nothing was on fire, he walked into the spacious and vintage-chic appointed room to see that Bani had changed into a night-gown and looked prepared to sleep. She gave a quiet smile at him and said, ‘I am feeling really tired…is it okay…’ she left the sentence unsaid, waiting for his approval.
Jai never understood how the same woman who could be so subservient and deferential as to ask her husband permission before going to sleep could be so obstinate and tenacious when it came to understanding that she was probably ruining her present for a future which didn’t even exist.
He smiled back and walking toward her, after depositing his jacket on the couch, planted a light kiss on her forehead and said, ‘Take some rest…you’ve been awake for almost 24 hours now. Should I order something to eat?’
‘No…after I get up. But please, you have something…’
Jai assured her that he will eat a light brunch before joining in for a short nap himself and in the meanwhile he could send some emails. Jai was surprised when he checked his watch and realized that it was late noon, engrossed in his office work. Suddenly he felt the effects of jet-lag coming upon him and his limbs felt weak and exhausted and his eyes kept shutting with lethargy.
When he came into the room, Bani was tying her hair sitting in front of the huge dresser. Jai looked at her reflection in the mirror and smiled, even though she had long given up taking care of her appearance, nothing could alter her natural beauty which was as undiminished as ever. Dressed in a simple peach chiffon sari with only the mangalsutra chain on her neck as her adornment, she looked so fragile and delicate, Jai simply couldn’t resist taking her into his arms, pulling her from behind, nuzzling his face at the base of her shoulders.
Taking a sharp breath-in, Bani gently struggled to ease herself from his grip, not meeting his eyes and said in an absent tone, ‘I…I need to eat something.’
Jai loosened his grip on her, but did not let her go and spoke tenderly, ‘I thought I saw the room service tray outside…haven’t you had anything to eat till now?’
Color suffused her cheeks and faltering a bit on her words, she said, ‘Er…yes…I completely forgot about it…did…did you eat something?’
Jai kept staring at her face and replied in a lost voice, ‘Hmm…I did…Bani?’
She looked up at him and he said, ‘Why did you lie to me?’
Feeling hot in her face, Bani stammered, ‘What do you mean?’
He replied evenly, ‘You very well know what I mean.’
By now, Bani was out of Jai’s arms and looking extremely nervous and lost, she mumbled, ‘I forgot that I ate…I am tired…why are you questioning me like this?’
Jai kept staring, not taking his eyes of her, his face growing darker by the moment; Bani could not muster the courage to look back at him and desperately seeked a way to be out of the room, away from her husband.
‘Bani, we need to talk. This can’t go on…sit here.’
Even though she felt shaky within, Bani mustered as much calm as she could and said, ‘I have a headache…I need to get some fresh air.’
Jai snapped back in irritation, ‘I don’t care if you have a headache…we still need to talk. So just sit down.’
Taken aback at the brusqueness in his voice, she replied hurt, ‘I know that you don’t care…you don’t have to put it in words.’
At the tether end of his patience coupled with severe physical exhaustion, Jai grabbed Bani’s shoulders and forcibly made her sit on the bed, gripping her upper hands so tightly, it made her eyes water in pain.
‘I don’t care for you? Is that a statement or an accusation? Of all the things you could have said for me…you chose to say one which couldn’t be further from the truth…that I don’t care for you?’
Bani did not answer back, biting her lips to avoid the tears which were rapidly forming in her eyes.
Kneeling down, he came level with Bani and without once taking his eyes off her, spoke, ‘Shouldn’t I be the one saying this to you, Bani?’
At this, she looked at him silently and he said in a low, bitter voice, ‘Can you remember one instance in the last 2 years when you asked me how I was? One instance, when you initiated a conversation between us? One instance, when you showed even the remotest demonstration of physical love? One instance, when you shared your feelings with me? One instance where you trusted me to be part of your pain?’
There seemed to be an endless silence between them, as she sobbed quietly and Jai with the look of a defeated warrior, let go, shrugging his shoulders and head and walked towards the huge bay window, overlooking the vineyards in a distance.
‘I want to go back.’ Her soft voice echoed in the spaciousness of the room.
Jai tilted his head sideways and retorted acrimoniously, ‘To where?’
She kept quiet for some time and then said in a hurt voice, ‘What do you mean by that? Where else but home?’
Without missing a beat, he turned around, his anger surfacing and showing so clearly on his face, that Bani felt physically jolted.
‘Home? There has to be some mistake in the address that you have…because as far I know…the only place where we can go from here is our separate ways, Bani…’
Shocked at his words, she got up, trembling and staring at her husband’s face, shouted back, fighting her tears, ‘Separate ways? For what? Just because I refuse to sleep with you?’
Jai was so taken aback at what she had said, that he could barely react for some time and when he spoke, all he said was, ‘If in the last 5 years of Marriage, this is your cumulative opinion about me…then I really have nothing more to say to you, Bani.’
Saying that Jai stormed off the room, not looking back at Bani, who fell on the bed, crying hopelessly.
She wanted to go behind him, apologize to him, hug him, be the wife that she always was to him…but her spirit gave away. Nothing seemed right in the world to Bani and she didn’t care or think that she was breaking her marriage into pieces for a child that wouldn’t even be in the world without her husband around.
Since the day, Dr. Simran Mathur had given the prognosis on her, Bani had taken it like a death sentence. Sure, a lot of people who had come to know of her misfortune had been heartbroken and dejected, but no one could even come near feeling the grief and anguish that Bani was going through, an agony that only kept compounding day by day, moment by moment.
Kiran had appropriated the entire pantheon of Hindu gods and goddesses so that they may bless her beloved daughter with a child…Nishikant in his wise words, had tried to instill courage and hope into his daughter…Raashi, Rano, Aparajit and Pallavi had given unending moral support to her.
Even Jai’s family had been extremely supportive of her, with her sister-in-law assuring Bani that not having a child will never change Jai’s affections for her.
Her ears heard all the words of sympathy and support, her mind registered the impossibility of the situation, but her heart refused to pay heed.
Jai had even brought up the issue of adoption, but had never mentioned it again, after seeing Bani’s violent and emotional reaction to the idea.
2 Hours later
Bani looked worriedly out of the floor to ceiling window, she could see the Sun setting in the distance and wondered where Jai could have stormed off too. She was besieged with guilt on his part and suddenly realized how tired and exhausted he must be feeling after journeying for almost a day without a break.
She had called up a couple of times on his blackberry, but there was no response. Going out towards the reception area, she tried to enquire about his whereabouts, but the limited vocabulary of the Reception staff ensured that she couldn’t get much out of them.
Draping a pashmina around her, Bani stepped outside the Villa, towards the vineyards which covered the area. It was quite dark by now and there was very subtle lighting outside making visibility difficult. Strain of Italian folk music floated into her ears and following the direction, she reached the pool side Bar, where a smattering of guests were enjoying their drinks and watching a performance set up for them.
A few of them gave uninterrupted looks at Bani when she arrived, standing a bit afar, feeling conscious at being stared upon, which was natural, given the way that she was dressed in a typically Indian attire, with her long hair left open in a plait and the parting in her forehead filled with vermillion, and a bright red bindi stuck firmly between her brows.
Obviously, the resort and its guests had not seen many Indian guests before, and definitely not one dressed in a typical ‘Discovery Channel’ Indian look.
Bani felt a spasm of relief when she saw her husband sitting on the long Bar-stool, lost in his own world, but the relief soon turned to concern and guilt when she saw the manner in which he was dunking himself in alcohol.
She had only walked half-way, when he looked up from the glass of Cordon Bleu he was consuming and their eyes met. Hers filled with confusion and anxiety. His filled with desperation and grief.
Shrugging his head indolently, Jai began to drink again, till Bani came by his side and kept her hand over his shoulder, only to be met with an arctic glare.
‘Why are you here?’ His voice was slightly drunk, but mostly filled with ill-suppressed fury.
She replied back in her low, soft voice, ‘Lets go to the room. We can talk there.’
He kept staring at her face and replied sarcastically, ‘When I tried to talk to you, I was accused of trying to bed you…’
Taking a heavy breath and trying to control her emotions, Bani said sincerely, ‘I am sorry for that…I really spoke too much…please lets go to the room and speak. Everyone is staring at us, here.’
‘Since when have you started caring for what other’s think? I thought all that you cared was for a child…and when you couldn’t have it, you systematically set about destroying everyone else who ever cared for you.’
Stung by the bitterness in his tone and by the sharpness of his words, her eyes instantly watered and she bit her lips to avoid crying in front of everyone.
There was silence between them, as Bani clung on to his arm, willing to take him back to the room and pacify his anger and dejection over the whole trip and mostly over the way she had been behaving for the last few months.
It was not deliberate and even Jai knew that. But there was a limit to which he could bear and put up to and Bani had pushed the envelope today. He had been nothing but understanding and loving to her all through the past few months, since the day he had to break the news to her. And it was not as if, all that was make-believe and fake. As much as he missed being a Father, Jai never stopped counted his blessings, amongst which he always placed his wife at the foremost. Being a realist, Jai realized that one could not have everything that one desired and the reason why they were not blessed with a child of their own, could be because, God had been generous enough to give them an extraordinarily happy marriage.
Jai, who had an unhappy childhood and a somewhat turbulent youth, thought that his marriage and his wife were his rewards for whatever good he might have done in his life and sincerely felt that hoping for anything more from God would be nothing but greediness.
For the life of him, Jai could not understand why Bani was ruining her mental peace and their combined lives by ruing over a child which didn’t even exist.
Bani on the other hand, though supremely devoted to Jai and finding all her happiness in her marriage and family, could not see it as the end of her life…for Bani, her marriage was a stepping stone to motherhood…and not having either one of them, meant that she as a woman was incomplete.
Bani on the other hand, perceived it as Jai’s insensitivity that he could not understand what she was going through and expected her to live her life normally, as if nothing was amiss from it.
Morning light was creeping in around the blinds and Jai had been awake for a while, but hadn’t got out of the bed. He was gazing straight up at the ceiling, breathing evenly in and out. His theory was that if he lie still enough then maybe the maelstrom of his mind would calm down and everything would fall neatly into place.
Bani was lying on his right side, with her bangle filled arms weighing lightly upon his chest. He did not remember most of last night, except for the ruckus he had created outside in the Bar, which had left Bani sobbing heavily. Frustrated at the situation he was trapped in, angry at his wife for the manner in which she was behaving and desperate to be alone, he had dragged Bani forcibly back to their room and flung her violently on the bed, telling her that they would be leaving back for India the very next day and once back, he would have to take some serious decisions about their marriage.
He felt guilty on the way he had treated Bani yesterday, yet he could not get her callousness regarding their marriage out of his mind. If it was a question of a few incidents, he could have easily disregarded it, but she was going completely out of her mind due to the inability to have a child and driving him insane too.
There was no doubt in Jai’s mind regarding his love and loyalty for Bani, but he could not ruin himself or his life, because of her emotional crisis. He had tried everything, given her moral support, unquestionable love and unswerving faithfulness, but he could not give her what she wanted…and if that was all she wanted…then he could not afford to destroy himself for her desire.
Everything had a full stop in life. Even love.
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There had been almost no conversation between them during their flight back to Mumbai. Jai had been ominously quite all through, just told her to pack her bags and meet him at the Reception for check-out. Fearing another outburst, Bani had obeyed as told, but the stony look in his eyes had left a cold fear in her heart…
They both looked so exhausted when they arrived back in Mumbai, that the sight of Jai’s brother, Nachiket, sister Karuna and her husband Tarun and their close family friends, Aditya and Jigyasa left them both dismayed.
Everyone stared at the sight of a disheveled and unshaven Jai and an extremely swollen eyed and scared looking Bani.
Nachiket spoke in a worried voice, ‘Bhaiyya? How come you are back to soon? And what is wrong with you? What happened Bhabhi?’
All that came from Jai was a stony silent stare and before anyone could say anything else, Bani dropped her handbag on the table, and rushed upstairs, hiding her crying face.
Aditya spoke anxiously, ‘What happened Jai? Why is Bani crying? Are you two alright?’
Karuna meanwhile had followed Bani upstairs and even after repeated knocks on the door, was met with no reply.
Jai ran his fingers through the thick mane of hair, which was turning grey from the sides and said in a weary voice, ‘I am sorry if I appear rude, but do you people mind leaving me alone for sometime…’
Tarun tried to say something, but Jai put up his hand and said, ‘Please. We are both really tired, travelling up and down 25000 miles in the last 4 days. I will explain to all of you…but as of now, would really appreciate, if you could leave us.’
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‘I don’t want you thinking that you are being told to leave your own house, Bani. Whatever decision we take, will be a mutual one. One that has both our agreement if not happiness in it.’
Bani stared vacantly out of the floor to ceiling window that dominated one side of their spacious bedroom in the Malabar Hills home they lived. The sea appeared an ominous shade of black, as thunder clouds gathered up in the sky and a heavy rain looked imminent.
It was close to 10 at night that Jai had appeared in their room and it had taken just one polite knock on the door for her to open it. Though they had both slept for some time after coming back from the airport, the weariness in their faces was still etched clearly.
Not getting any response from her, Jai kept his hand tenderly on her shoulder, noticing how much weight she had lost making her shoulder bone protrude.
She looked at him, there were no tears in her eyes, but such deep and profound sadness, it made Jai feel kicked in the gut just looking at her withdrawn face.
‘You can take any decision you want on behalf…anything that gives you happiness will always have my will to it.’
He stared hard at her and spoke with bitter hurt, ‘You think a separation from you will give me happiness? Do you have any inkling what I am going through, Bani?’
Not meeting his eyes, she sat silently. Taking her squarely by the shoulders, and forcing her to look his way, he said, ‘I am not blaming you for anything Bani…but are you even aware which direction our marriage is going into? And I am not even talking about the physical aspect….just look at it emotionally.’
Bani looked up tearfully at him and said, ‘This is all because I haven’t been able to give you a child, isn’t it?’
All the patience vanished in a second and infuriated all of a sudden, he snapped, ‘Again Child! Every time we talk, whenever we do…the topic begins and ends with a child! What about us, Bani? What about you and me? What about our marriage? What about the love that has been missing between us?’
Met with a pair of lost eyes, he flared up even more and yelled, ‘Do you even know what has happened between us, Bani? For the want of something we did not have, we ended up losing all that we had…and before this lost love turns into something far worse, I want to do whatever I can to mend our relationship…and if you don’t want to go to your parent’s h
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